Even though Uncle Ben didn’t respond to my inquiry about rice and constipation, I set my sights this time on learning something else about rice from Zatarain’s — a New Orleans Tradition Since 1889…

Dear Kings of New Orleans Cuisine:

There’s no doubt that Zatarain’s New Orleans-style food products are quite tasty. Any one of them can really jazz up a meal. There is one product though that got me thinking and that can be dangerous. It’s Dirty Brown Rice.

There are so many different kinds of rice. Or is it rices? Is rice one of those words like fish that doesn’t have a plural? No one says fishes, but do they say rices? Maybe 5 year olds do. Either way, whether it’s rice or rices, why are you serving it dirty? Why not take a little extra time and hose it down before sticking it in the box? How dirty is dirty brown rice? Do small rocks ever get mixed in with the dirt? Are the boxes clean at least?

Also, if someone ate a bowl of dirty brown rice while drinking a Dirty Martini, approximately how much dirt would they be ingesting?

Please give me the dirt on dirty brown rice, but hold the dirt when you serve it to me on a plate!

A Consumer Affairs Specialist from Zatarain’s responded with:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your interest in our Zatarain’s Dirty Brown Rice Mix and welcome the opportunity to be of assistance to you.

Here’s the “dirt” on dirty rice. A Traditional Dirty Rice is a Cajun dish made with minced chicken giblets and chicken livers, gizzards, necks, and wings. It is seasoned with Cajun spices and herbs — oregano, thyme, red pepper, black pepper, paprika, garlic, onion and green pepper.

It’s called “Dirty Rice” because the minced livers and gizzards give the white rice a look of having “dirt” in it.

Please accept the enclosed with our compliments. If we can be of further assistance, please call us at (phone number and hours of operation followed). We hope to have the continued pleasure of serving you.

Final Thoughts: Zatarain’s served up a very polite, pleasant and pithy response. Plus, they enclosed a 50¢ OFF coupon for “Any ONE ZATARAIN’S Rice Mixes, Pasta Mixes, Ready-To-Serve Sides or Ready-To-Serve Complete Meals!” Also included was a brochure featuring Zatarain’s products, including rice mix dinners that you can, “Just add chicken, sausage, beef, shrimp or game for a complete meal!”

If you’re the kind of person who enjoys a mix of minced chicken giblets, livers, gizzards, necks and wings, the word “dirty” in the food product title probably isn’t going to faze you one bit. And even though there are many types of rice, chefs apparently don’t have a palate for plurals, so unless yous guys are from certain areas such as N.J. or N.Y., where it’s acceptable to mince words, try to avoid saying “rices” because Zatarain’s didn’t confirm it’s okay and it’s not in the dictionary. You might also enjoy this entertaining Zatarain’s Dirty Rice Mix commercial and Andouille Dirty Rice Recipe.

When you crave the authentic taste of New Orleans, the next best thing to being there may be Zatarain’s. However, when you’re trying to find out more than a grain of truth about a product or brand, whip up a letter and Write The Company.