After Walmart announced plans to raise standards for beef safety, I tried getting them to raise their standards even higher…

Dear Walmartians:

Someone I know named C.C. alerted me to a news article. It said Wal-Mart Stores is implementing new process controls standards for beef to protect customers from foodborne illnesses. According to the article, these measures will considerably lower potential contamination levels. Forget lowering contamination levels! How about selling us beef that isn’t contaminated at all? Whatever happened to 100% beef, no fillers, no deadly parasites? Why is Walmart focused on lowering potential contamination rather than eliminating it? Isn’t that like having sex with a prostitute who only has a little syphilis?

Let’s get to the meat of the matter. Why are you purchasing contaminated beef from suppliers anyway? Is it more cost effective? Has your thinking also been contaminated? The article says Walmart will be implementing specialized testing. What’s wrong with the current testing? Doesn’t the United States Department of Agriculture demand that the most advanced testing already be in place? This is the sort of thing that turns people into Vegetarians. If I could stand the taste of vegetables I’d be one. I’d actually rather take my chances with something contaminated than eat zucchini or squash.

As you can see, this is making me angrier than a mad cow. However, I’ve got an idea to solve the entire problem. Use the enormous power of Walmart to put pressure on the farms and slaughterhouses responsible for contaminating our beef. Slap a label on their products that lets the public know exactly who they are: THIS BEEF PRODUCT COMES FROM COW KILLERS SLAUGHTERHOUSE, KANSAS CITY, MO AND IS 26% CONTAMINATED. Do that and I’ll bet they’ll make contamination disappear faster than the contents of your stomach after eating a T-Bone laced with E. coli. Wouldn’t Walmart rather be known as the company that ended contamination instead of the one that reduced its level of potential?

Don’t worry about telling C.C. about the contamination, I’ll cc her with your response. And what’s the story with your company name? Even on your website I see Walmart and Wal-Mart Stores. It’s confusing enough for consumers to deal with beef that’s contaminated. Do we really need to deal with confusing things that are also hyphenated?

Uncontaminatedly yours,
“Me”

The Customer Relations Written Correspondence Team responded with:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us with your feedback. Each comment, concern and suggestion is very important to us because it gives us the opportunity to evaluate the various aspects of our business. Be assured that your message will be forwarded to the appropriate team where it will be reviewed and carefully considered.

Thank you again for your correspondence.

Final Thoughts: Walmart’s commitment to boosting beef processing controls standards is not only necessary, it’s admirable, and I’m all for it. Although, it would be even better if people didn’t have to worry about whether the meat they are about to eat might be contaminated in the first place! Here’s the original article about Walmart’s plans for beefing up beef safety measures.

As far as customer service, Walmart needs to beef that up, too. This is a prime example of a form letter. Even though I grilled them with questions, the response they served up had little meat to it, information was very rare and it just wasn’t well done enough. So in my opinion, they butchered the opportunity to further educate a customer. If Customer Relations can’t answer consumer concerns, why don’t they forward it to the “appropriate team” and have them respond? At the very least, they could have straightened out the hyphen issue.

When you’ve got shopping to do, Walmart and Wal-Mart are fine companies to consider. And remember, no matter how high or low a company’s standards may be, you can always encourage them to aim higher if you Write The Company.