I recently posted a letter to Aunt Jemima. Here’s one that’s semi-related, which I sent to Uncle Ben…

Dear Uncle Ben:

I had an Uncle Ben, but he passed away, so I hope this letter finds you in good health.

There’s one thing that concerns me about rice. I don’t mean to get too personal, but you are the rice expert, so here goes… Do you find rice constipating? My Uncle Aaron makes a mean bowl of rice, but I don’t know if he gets backed up and to be honest I don’t want to know. One thing I do know is that he probably wishes he went into the rice business like you. He sold draperies, but kept getting held up at gunpoint in Brooklyn. Have you ever been mugged?

I was also wondering if you’ve ever met or dated Aunt Jemima. It sounds like a match made in heaven — Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima. Plus, you could split the cooking. She’d take care of breakfast, you’d take care of dinner, and you could each have lunch at work.

Please send me your most unusual rice recipe and any case studies you have about constipation related to rice. I’d also like to know what year you graduated from Rice University to see if I can track down a copy of your yearbook.

Ain’t life a bowl of rice, Unc?

After two attempts, there was no reply from Uncle Ben or MARS (the company, not the planet, where he works).

Final Thoughts: I’m not sure why Uncle Ben didn’t write back. Maybe he gets off on making consumers cry uncle. Perhaps he’s constipated from eating too much white rice. That would certainly explain why he might have a writer’s block of sorts. It appears that I’ll have to do some more research about rice and constipation. I wonder what Rice University can tell me. Looks like I’ve got another letter to write. To be continued…

Even though a response isn’t guaranteed, when you have questions about a product, try getting to the bottom of things and Write The Company.