An unemployed friend looking to reinvent himself asked me to suggest some new career directions. The exercise helped me come up with a sweet moonlighting idea for myself at Ferrara Pan Candy Company…

Dear Sweet Tooth Fairies,

You make the most mouthwatering candies ever created — Atomic FireBalls, Red Hots, The Original Jaw Breakers – Jaw Busters, Lemonheads, Black Forest Gummies and Boston Baked Beans. I hope your employee benefits package includes an incredible dental plan and weekly glucose testing!

Could you use a freelance Taste Tester to provide an outside opinion on new candies in development? Just ship me the sweets and I’ll tell you what I think. Anything but chocolate. That seems to set off panic attacks, which makes my throat tighten up, and I wouldn’t be able to taste or fairly evaluate the candy while gasping for air. As far as qualifications, I’ve got multiple fillings in most of my teeth and survived several root canals. What do you think … any chance?

FireBalls are my all-time favorite! How many of those do you think a person could eat before they’d be begging for mercy and sucking on ice chips whimpering like a poodle in heat?

Confectionately yours,
“Me”

The President/CEO of Ferrara Pan Candy Company responded with:

Thank you for your letter. We are always pleased to hear from our customers and know they enjoy eating our candy as much as we enjoy making it. Thanks for the offer, but we have no need for taste testers.

We hope that you will continue to purchase our products and find the quality to your satisfaction.

Final Thoughts: Even though my candy career never took off, my letter did reach the top of the corporate ladder. That’s certainly a testament to how seriously employment inquiries are taken, handled and responded to at Ferrara Pan. I wonder if getting my dentist to write a letter of recommendation would have made a difference. Is there a position you’d really like to sink your teeth into? Apply yourself and Write The Company.