Toilets are like the Rodney Dangerfield of consumer products — they get no respect. All the names people have come up with for them prove that: The John, head, can, crapper, loo, throne, porcelain castle, think ‘n stink, leakery, turd aquarium, whiz stand, shot tower, and of course, the one that rhymes with Twitter, to name a few. I contacted Kohler to see what other toilet tidbits I could squeeze out of them…

Dear Titans of the Toilet:

Since I feel most at home on a Kohler toilet, can you please help me flush out the answers to the following questions?

1) How many flushes can the average Kohler toilet deliver during its lifetime?

2) Do most Americans flush while sitting or standing?

3) Is Kohler currently working on a solar toilet seat? It gets pretty cold in some cities and I believe if toilet seats were heated by sunlight, they could keep many a tushy toasty warm.

4) Why does toilet water always circle in one direction like a roulette wheel before going down the hatch? How come it doesn’t just flow straight down?

5) After a recent flush, a frog came flying up my toilet basin as the water went down. How did it get down there (the frog, not the water)? All I can say is I’m sure glad I was standing when I flushed! I’ve heard of having a frog in your throat, but where this guy was heading still gives me the willies to this day.

Thanks for taking a bathroom break to reply.

P.S. Possible tagline: Kohler toilets. They’ll bowl you over! What do you think — pretty good or crappy?

A Kohler Customer Care Representative responded with:

We would like to thank you for your recent inquiry to the Kohler Co. The answers to your questions are provided below:

1. There is no average for the number of flushes in the lifetime of a Kohler toilet. Many things can affect how long it will last including water and care. 2. Most flush while standing. 3. Kohler does not offer a solar toilet, but we do offer heated toilet seats. 4. The swirling in the bowl is a function of the Ingenium and Class 6 flushing systems that assist in cleaning the sides of the bowl and removing waste. 5. The frog may have been hiding under the rim of the seat, or near the back of the toilet, or even crawled down the vent pipe.

Thank you for choosing THE BOLD LOOK OF KOHLER®, the leader in product design and innovation, for your home. Kohler Co. looks forward to improving your level of gracious living by not only meeting but also exceeding your needs in future kitchen and bath designs.

Final Thoughts: What I appreciate most about Kohler’s response is they answered every question directly and to the point, with very little waste, other than a brief mention of it in Answer 4. While there is no average number of flushes in the life of a toilet, you can determine how much water you’re using — or wasting — per flush with this video on the Kohler website called, “Toilet Test.” As for taglines, it appears Kohler strongly prefers theirs since they capitalized it while making no comment on mine. Most importantly, for any of you who still sit and flush, it’s time to stop doing that or get yourself a bidet.

If you’re looking for the best seat in the house, try Kohler. But if you’re looking for product support, the best way to see if a customer service department is doing their duty is to Write The Company.