During a conversation about what relatives should be called, with a friend who’s a new dad, it became clear that many people are being brainwashed from birth. This may mean false advertising was actually started — and continues to be endorsed — by families. I wrote the National Family Planning & Reproductive Health Association to see if they could relate…

Dear Planners of Our Nation’s Families:

One of my best pals recently had his first baby and his entire family is confused about names. Not for the baby, but for the rest of the family. I’m hoping you can straighten things out.

With the baby’s birth, some relatives became Great Grandparents, Great Aunts, Great Uncles, etc. Why “Great?” What makes them “Great?” They didn’t do a thing for the baby yet. If anything, many of them were cheap with baby gifts. What’s so “Great” about that? I’ve had dinner with some of those people and I can assure you that “Great” is far from an appropriate name for many of them. I guess Crusty Parent’s Parents, Fat Aunts and Moronic Uncles aren’t as catchy as “Great.” So who decided they should be called “Great” … and is it politically correct for a child to address them as “Great” even if they are in jail?

It’s the same with Grandparents. Who made them “Grand?” Personally, I think people should have a choice between calling them Grandparents, Blandparents or Bannedparents, depending on the current status of the relationship.

Is anyone working on a new naming system for the nuclear and sub-nuclear family? With skyrocketing divorce rates, family members suing one another and ridiculous amounts of relatives who refuse to talk to each another, I’d say things are far from “Great” or “Grand.”

Can you come up with a plan for my newly parented friends?

A Development Associate responded with:

First off, I wanted to wish your friend congratulations on his brand new baby and second most, I wanted to apologize for taking so long to respond to you. Unfortunately, your letter sat at our front desk for a bit longer than it should have.

Your conversation about who became great, and to extend it a step further what makes grandparents so ‘grand?’ is a great conundrum. While I’m not sure if someone is working on a new naming system for the nuclear and sub-nuclear family, I do believe the work that we do specifically helps people act responsibly, stay healthy and plan for their families so that people can be more deserving of their titles.

The National Family Planning & Reproductive Health Association represents family planning service providers across the United States. When we help support comprehensive family planning services and counseling, we do more than support the practical tools of contraception, preventative screenings and family planning counseling. We support stronger families, a more nurturing environment for children, and a stronger more prosperous and productive society. Therefore, the end game of the work we do is to try to make sure that in the end, people are responsible and fit to bear the title of “great” or “grand.”

I hope this can lead you in the right direction with your questions and in the future, I hope you will join us in creating a better quality of life for all.

Final Thoughts: In many ways, this response is not only genuinely great, it’s also gigantically grand. The National Family Planning & Reproductive Health Association hit it head-on when they described their work and finished the thought with: “…so that people can be more deserving of their titles.” Then they went into detail about what they do and ended with: “…to make sure that in the end, people are responsible and fit to bear the title of “great” or “grand.” Very empowering thinking — they really get it!

There’s a lesson here not only for families, but service providers and businesses as well. After all, the words great and grand have always had a powerful affect on people. “Aren’t Uncle Frank and Aunt Alice great?” “Don’t miss our spectacular Grand Opening!” “This one-of-a-kind product is absolutely great!” Advertisers say it even when it’s not accurate. But if you fall for it, and it turns out not to be true, now you know you can blame your parents for creating that vulnerability by conditioning you to call relatives Great or Grand if they weren’t. For further information regarding this subject, please consult a therapist.

The Association didn’t clear up what to call Great or Grand relatives in prison, but if you have any that will ever be eligible for parole, make sure whatever you do decide to call them won’t make them mad. One thing that is clear is that great and grand mean nothing unless you, or whatever you’re offering, earn the title and then continue to live up to it. So from now on, don’t just say “Great” or “Grand” — make sure it really is.

Hopefully, you’ll benefit from this great advice in the grand scheme of things. Here’s where you can learn more about the National Family Planning & Reproductive Health Association. However, if you’re trying to get a relative sense of how great or grand an organization, association or business is, you might learn a lot if you Write The Company.