There is one item I’ve always been reluctant about adding to my athletic wardrobe. I contacted Champion to see if they could address my concerns…

Dear Champion Athletic Supporters:

I’ve got concerns about wearing Champion Double Dry Compression Shorts. Compression shorts tend to look magnificent on mannequin models, but I’m not sure how yours are going to look on my skinny body. Is there a certain body type Double Dry Compression Shorts look best on? I’m afraid they might compress my body so much from the waist down that my head will look gigantic. I’m about 5’9”, 153 pounds, and the only bodybuilding magazine I could ever be on the cover of would have to be from a country where food is scarce.

Another concern is how much compression they apply to the crotch area. It sort of comes down to the same fear men have regarding shrinkage after exiting a pool. Only with compression shorts, you can’t use the water as an excuse. Does Champion make any kind of crotch padding that can be used as an accessory to compensate for compression loss? An athletic cup would be overkill, and frankly, I wouldn’t want other men enviously staring at my package or women not taking my intelligence seriously.

Thanks for helping me make a good first impression with compression.

A Consumer Care Specialist from Hanesbrands Inc responded with:

Thank you for contacting Champion.

We do not offer any type of padding for the compression shorts. They are for compression, if you purchase a pair and you are not happy with fit or the style for whatever reason, please return it back to our address along with your receipt and we will be happy to send a refund for the purchase.

Mr. (first initial of last name), if we can be of future assistance, you may reach us at (phone number and hours of operation followed), or on the Internet at www.championusa.com.

Final Thoughts: There wasn’t much new information to go on since Champion’s response was also compressed. So it is unclear how much compression it takes before your compressed lower half starts to look out of proportion to your uncompressed upper half. Or, whether too much compression while running at top speed will make your voice sound like Mickey Mouse. All I know is, rather than resembling a model athlete in compression shorts, I look more like a stress buster toy after it’s been squeezed.

Furthermore, regardless of size, men who wear compression shorts definitely have to have balls. This is much different than the kind of balls required for male ballet dancers that wear tights, which I don’t believe are compressed, but definitely should be. Before exposing themselves for the first time to compression shorts, men need to determine whether they can handle the additional pressure wearing this type of athletic wear brings — not only in relation to the lower body, but on the bladder as well.

It’s comforting to know that Champion compression shorts can be returned if you’re not happy with them. Regardless, unless we’re talking about punts, I’m not a returner. When I buy clothes I keep them until they’re ruined in the laundry. Plus, I’m sure most people are hoping to eliminate the part that leads to returning compression shorts, which may involve having complete strangers pointing and laughing hysterically even if they don’t speak English.

If you’re interested in feeling compressed, try Double Dry Men’s Compression Shorts from Champion on for size. But if you want to squeeze more information out of a manufacturer, let it all hang out and Write The Company.