Write The Company

After reading a trivia fact about the brain on my bottled water label, words started to flow, resulting in this letter to Zephyrhills Spring Water Company…
Dear Hydrators from the Hills:
When it comes to bottled water, I prefer Zephyrhills Spring Water. There’s no aftertaste. Too many other waters taste like chemically treated sewer water. Not that [...]

Reading product ingredients can often be an eye-opening experience. There’s the kind you can’t even pronounce. There’s an onslaught of others you wish you could call a chemist to explain. Plus, let’s not forget the ones that make you wonder, “What’s that’s doing in there?” — like this ingredient I questioned Hawaiian Punch about…
Dear Hawaiian [...]

I heard some stuff about Coca-Cola, including a crazy Chinese translation for it. So I wrote The Coca-Cola Company to find out if what I heard was the real thing…
Dear Coke Folks:
Is it true that in Chinese, Coca-Cola translates to “Bite the Wax Tadpole”? I know some of the ingredients are secret, but I hope [...]

In addition to milk, there’s something else I can’t stomach. That’s why I got in touch with Lactaid…
Dear Makers of the Other Milk:
Thanks for inventing Lactaid Milk. I’m intolerant about a lot of things and lactose is one of them. Adding Lactaid to morning cereal is so much more preferable than doubling over after breakfast. [...]

I heard a rumor about Mountain Dew and sperm, which gave birth to this letter…
Dear Mountain Dew Brewers:
What’s this I hear about Mountain Dew possibly lowering sperm count? Tell me it ain’t so! How come these things are always negative? Why can’t we ever hear that a beverage raises sperm count? You could even call [...]