It bugged me that I rarely received mail at college. So I began a junk mail war with a friend. Things started innocently enough — filling out free offer forms and sending stuff we thought was funny to one another. It didn’t matter what he sent me because I was living in a dorm. But I neglected to consider that he still lived with his parents. A few weeks later, his father called and said, “I didn’t say anything when the condoms arrived, but a guy just knocked on my door and said he was here to talk to me about my son’s bedwetting problem.” That was the end of that.

Getting mail — even if it was just junk mail — made getting no mail, again, unbearable. As fate would have it, a college buddy discovered the raisins he was eating were covered with fruit flies. He wrote a letter and they sent him new raisins without the flies. Jackpot! I started sending out letters by the dozens. Soon, people were waiting by the dorm mailboxes when I returned from class to see what I got. Companies would write letters of apology. They sent explanations with free coupons or checks. The UPS guy was delivering a steady flow of packages. Some companies even called — like a lawyer from a lollipop company who was concerned after I let them know I cut my tongue on one of their lollies and it took two rolls of toilet paper to stop the bleeding. Well, it did.

That’s how it all started. And since all I get in the mail now are bills, to this day, I still like to Write The Company.

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