When it comes to nuts, the first name that pops into my mind is Planters. Since I had a few questions that were driving me nuts, I wondered what kind of answers they’d shell out…

Dear Peanut Planters:

I can’t even think of the name of another peanut brand besides Planters. But one thing I don’t understand is the copy on your packaging. The front says Honey Roasted Peanuts in large letters. Then, the first ingredient is Peanuts. Why does it also say under that: Contains Peanuts? You’ve already established they are peanuts because that’s what Honey Roasted Peanuts are, aren’t they?

I know a lot of people are allergic to peanuts, but are their eyes so teary and blurry that they don’t even realize they’re looking at a can of peanuts and need to be warned that peanuts contain peanuts? If so, they have bigger problems than peanut allergies, don’t you think?

There’s another Planters product I’ve heard about that I can’t seem to find anywhere. It’s called Planters Warts. I travel a lot. Can you tell me where I can get them?

An Associate Director, Consumer Relations from Kraft Foods, manufacturers of Planters products, responded with:

Dear Mr. Valued Consumer,

Thanks so much for taking the time to contact us. While we’d like nothing more than to help, our company does not make the product you asked about. Warts.

If you have it handy, you might want to take a quick look at the product’s package or label. Often times, it will contain the manufacturer’s name, address and telephone number.

We hope this helps and that you find the information you need.

Final Thoughts: News that Planters isn’t associated with Warts practically knocked me off my feet. I know someone is growing them and I could have sworn it was them! In fact, I’ve never heard any other name associated with Warts other than Planters. So I guess I’ll just have to keep looking as I walk around various places to see if I spot them.

One thing that is kind of nutty is this response focused completely on Warts, which Planters didn’t make. While it was very thoughtful of them to try and help me out, they never answered any of the questions I asked about the Honey Roasted Peanuts, which they do make. So in summary, we know they don’t make Warts, but we still don’t know why Peanuts contain Peanut.

If you’re in the mood for nuts, try Planters. However, if you hear that a company has Warts, it’s important to do your own analysis. One way to do that is to Write The Company.

In the world of matzo, Manischewitz is a big name. But inside two boxes of their matzo that my mom and dad bought, they found a big surprise. I wrote The Manischewitz Company to share their story…

Dear Matzo Makers:

My parents recently opened a box of Manischewitz Matzos and found tiny black bugs crawling around in the cellophane wrapper. As you probably know, Jews aren’t big on bugs, which is why so few of us enjoy camping. They opened a second box and examined the matzos even more intensely than two dermatologists simultaneously screening for skin growths. Everything looked bug-free. But when they cracked the matzos they discovered colonies of those bugs crawling around in the crevices. How could this happen in two boxes for Christ’s sake?

They took the boxes back to the supermarket and told the manager, Mr. Rodriguez. I’m not sure how much matzo Mr. Rodriguez consumes in his diet, but my guess is that it’s unlikely he even has any on Passover. He said they were mealybugs and it happens all the time. Mr. Rodriguez gave my parents credit. I give them credit too for even being able to look at matzo again. All I know is that it’s a sad day when your mom tries to make Matzo Brei for your dad and it could end up being Mealybug Brei. What if my dad ate the matzo along with the bugs? Could he have ended up with mealy-mouth? Would he have gotten sick or is it considered bonus protein?

As the nation’s largest manufacturer of processed kosher food products, how can Manischewitz allow this to happen? Can you explain how matzos can’t get from the Manischewitz plant in New Jersey to Boca Raton, Florida without bugs, yet the Jewish people schlepped matzos around the hot desert for centuries without any reports of unleavened bread infestations? And you know if they had something like matzo bugs to complain about we would have heard about it immediately … and we’d still be hearing about it to this very day.

Eating is very important to Jewish people. And during meals we do a good enough job of bugging one another, so we don’t need any outside assistance. How did the bugs get inside the sealed wrapper?

A Customer Service Department Representative responded with:

Thank you for informing us about your experience with Manischewitz Matzo. For over 120 years we at Manischewitz have strived to maintain the highest kosher and quality standards in all our products. All of us at Manischewitz take a great deal of pride in serving our loyal customers and we want you to know that your comments are taken seriously.

We regret that you were disappointed with our product and our goal is for you to always be a satisfied consumer. Please accept the enclosed towards your next purchase.

Thank you for buying Manischewitz products.

Final Thoughts: While this corporate response may be sincere, the words contained about as much feeling as a clump of Gefilte Fish. There was no explanation about how this happened, whether it’s unusual, or what’s being done to prevent it from occurring again. There wasn’t even a mention of the bugs or what could be expected if they were eaten with a schmear of low fat cream cheese.

On a positive note, they also generously enclosed 5 coupons good for ANY Manischewitz product FREE UP TO $9.00. With up to $45.00 in coupons, that’s a lot of replacement matzo! Hopefully my parents won’t have to invite their exterminator over for lunch to enjoy it.

If you’re in the market for matzo, my parents still give 4 thumbs up to Manischewitz. Or as they say, “These things happen.” However, if you happen to open any food product and discover something is feasting on it before you, it’s time to Write The Company.

Many people own collectibles they would consider selling if they found the right home for them. Then, there are lots of things consumers would love to get their hands on, but not all are for sale. When I encountered both situations, I contacted the Smithsonian Institution…

Dear Smithsonian Office of Public Affairs:

I wrote the Smithsonian Information office and never heard back. On a positive note, something I’ve written is now in the Smithsonian. I’m resending my letter to your office hoping to get some answers.

I’ve been to the Smithsonian and love what you’ve done with the place. I own some cool stuff too, but none can compare with anything you’ve got. Well, maybe one thing — a blue hooded sweatshirt that says, “Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band European Tour 1975” on the back, and “Born to Run” on the front. Is this something the Smithsonian would be interested in purchasing? It does have a small hole on the front, but if you’re interested, please make me your best take-it-or-leave-it offer.

My son is coming to visit soon with his new girlfriend, whom I haven’t met yet. It seems serious, so I’d really like to impress her. Is there anything in the Smithsonian you could rent me for a weekend? I remember from my last visit that you had Archie Bunker’s chair from the 1970s. That would look outstanding in my living room and I’ll bet she’d love to sit on it. She wasn’t even born in the 70s, but I could get an All in the Family DVD Set and bring her up to date. Or, how about the stopwatch from 60 Minutes — do you still have that lying around? She’ll definitely have heard of that show.

It really doesn’t matter what you can rent me as long as it’s a national treasure. I would be willing to use a TAG Heuer watch and a 2004 Toyota Solara as collateral, both of which could very well end up in the Smithsonian one day.

Please send me a list of items you’d be willing to rent and a price list.

Very Smithsonianly yours,
“Me”

The Smithsonian Institution responded with:

Your inquiry of July 6, 2010, regarding borrowing objects from Smithsonian collections has been received in the Smithsonian’s Public Inquiry Mail Service for response.

The Smithsonian holds objects in its collections in trust for the nation. We do not loan materials to individuals. Objects are loaned for research to educational institutions. Artifacts may be loaned to organizations developing exhibitions. All loans are affected under strict rules. We are enclosing samples of loan policies currently in effect at Smithsonian museums.

We regret that we are unable to assist you and appreciate your interest in the Smithsonian.

Final Thoughts: Unfortunately, I will need to impress my son’s girlfriend in other ways. Something from the Smithsonian would have been a lot better than old war stories, especially since the only war I’ve ever served in was Color War at summer camp.

Included in the reply were printouts of the Loan Policy web pages for the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History, Division of Mammals: Department of Vertebrate Zoology as well as the Smithsonian American Art Museum and the Renwick Gallery. I’m not sure why they included these since they don’t loan to individuals. It’s not like I can compare their items to what’s being offered on eBay.

Even if it’s not available for rental, you may enjoy this Smithsonian page dedicated to The Bunker’s Chairs. And if you want see it in person, along with other phenomenal historic collectibles, visit the Smithsonian Museums.

Here’s where you can learn more about the Smithsonian Institution. However, if there’s something unique you want to sell, buy, borrow or rent, there’s no harm in inquiring or making an offer. Sometimes you’ll have to write a person, organization or institution, and in the case of manufacturers, you’ll have to Write The Company.

I’m not trying to stop smoking, but I wanted to see what the makers of Nicorette stop smoking gum thought of this idea…

Dear Stop Smoking and Start Chewing Gum Advocates:

I understand that Nicorette Gum relieves nicotine cravings anytime, anywhere. Will it work in New Jersey? I don’t smoke, but when I’m in certain parts of New Jersey I feel like I do.

Actually, I’ve never tried a cigarette. I don’t even care for smoked foods. My ex-wife’s uncle smoked heavily. When I told her I couldn’t breathe around him she’d say, “Don’t fight it.” That’s a whole other story, but it’s part of the reason I’m writing.

Do you think smokers would be offended if I offered them Nicorette Gum to stop smoking until I left the area? This could be a lifesaver for me at certain outdoor restaurants or crowded places like art fairs. What could I tell a smoker about Nicorette Gum that will make them consider my offer rather than want to get me in a chokehold and blow smoke in my face?

Don’t worry if the only information you have available is second hand. That will be fine considering I’ll be dealing with situations involving second hand smoke.

A Customer Service Representative responded with:

Thank you for contacting GlaxoSmithKline Consumer Healthcare regarding Nicorette® stop smoking aid.

Nicorette® is a nicotine polacrilex gum that has been approved by the FDA for over-the-counter (OTC) use to help people quit smoking. Nicorette® is now available in two strengths at drug stores, mass merchandisers and at supermarkets with pharmacies. It is no longer being sold by prescription. You would use Nicorette® to help ease the withdrawal symptoms associated with quitting smoking, such as irritability and nervousness. Use Nicorette® as a tool to help ease your craving for nicotine while you try to stop smoking.

It is not indicated, to help people quit smoking temporarily, when they are in a certain area.

We recognize our consumers to be a very valuable asset and appreciate your taking the time to contact us. If we may be of future assistance, please call us at (phone number and hours of operation followed).

Final Thoughts: Even though my idea for using Nicorette went up in smoke, it was interesting to learn about nicotine polacrilex gum. Prior to this, the only gums I was familiar with were chewing and receding.

It’s unfortunate that Nicorette isn’t indicated to help people quit smoking in a certain area, especially since that’s how I indicated I wanted to use it. As a result, breathing will continue to be challenging in areas where people smoke outside as well as in certain New Jersey locations where even camels can’t walk a mile without coughing.

If you want to stop smoking, you might consider chewing Nicorette. But also consider that while some manufacturers such as GlaxoSmithKline provide solid answers to inquiries about their products, others are just blowing smoke. Either way, it might help you breathe easier if you get a good response when you Write The Company.

When it comes to cheesy personalities, I’ve always found Swiss cheese very amusing. I contacted Berner Natural Cheese to learn more about it and see if they also appreciated Swiss humor…

Dear Swiss Cheese Lacers:

I read that Berner Foods developed the recipe for Alpine Lace Reduced Fat Swiss Cheese, which became the #1 Swiss cheese in America. It was also really smart of you to maintain ownership of the Swiss cheese recipe so you could continue to market your own products.

Swiss is my cheese of choice (try saying that 10 times fast!). But can you please explain exactly what your Berner Valley All Natural Swiss Lace is laced with? I’ve been to some parties and saw stuff laced with things that would literally blow your mind!

So that I can more fully enjoy the Swiss cheese eating experience, can you describe how you get the holes in the cheese? I doubt you’re letting the staff poke holes in it with pencils to discourage them from flinging their #2’s at ceiling panels, but that’s all I could come up with. Where can I get a cheese hole puncher? I think holes would look cool on sliced turkey, too.

Have you ever thought about arranging the holes in a pattern? You could have eye, nostril and mouth holes for Face Mask Swiss Cheese. What father doesn’t like to put Swiss cheese over his face while trying to entertain the kids?

Looking forward to hearing the hole story!

A High Level Executive from Berner Natural Cheese responded with:

Thank you for your letter inquiring about the holes in Swiss cheese. The first people to view it thought that “(My name) sure must have a lot of time on his hands!”

But not I. No, I recognized your letter for what it truly was. A serious inquiry on the age-old process of lacing cheese. First of all, I can not divulge what we lace the cheese with. I could tell you, but then I would have to… well, you know. Since our cheese sells so well, some people wonder if the ingredients we lace the cheese with are legal. I assure you, after considerable testing by the DEA, we are in the clear!

As far as the holes, I must correct your terminology. They are not “holes” but rather “eyes.” This is why poor quality Swiss cheese is referred to as “blind.” Our Swiss cheeses are well known for their excellent eye formation. (No joke here.)

As to how they get in the cheese, the answer is simple. Don’t believe the myth that they are caused by propiotic bacteria that produces gas as the cheese ages in a warm room and causes voids in the cheese that become eyes.

Nor do we use pencils to make them. That would be unsanitary. We tried to use them but every time we boiled the pencils to make them clean enough to use in food, the lead would melt. Besides being unhealthy, the cheese turned gray — although you could use a slice to jot down your shopping list.

Instead, we select special cows to make the milk for Swiss cheese, as opposed to Cheddar or Monterey Jack that don’t have eyes. These cows are special as they have an “eye blink rate” of over 250 blinks per minute. This generic anomaly gets transferred into the DNA of the milk. When the milk gets turned into cheese curds, the curds begin “winking” (another technical term — hope, you’re following this highly scientific lexicon). This “winking action” is what produces the eyes.

On making patterns with the eyes, our scientists have been working on this for years. We are getting close. Just yesterday I saw a slice that looked remarkably like Barak Obama. Should be a good seller but since his approval ratings are going down, I’m not so sure anymore.

I hope this helps. Unfortunately, we don’t sell any product in Florida. I was just down there a couple of weeks ago to start the process of offering our cheeses to (company name) and (company name), but that will be a long process. In the meantime, perhaps you could fly up once per week to the markets in the North where we have our cheese in distribution. I can give you 10 cents off per pound to help defray the cost.

Final Thoughts: Bravo, Berner, Bravo! There sure weren’t any holes in this response. I laughed. I learned. I looked at Swiss cheese differently.

Hearing that Swiss cheese doesn’t have holes was a shocker. The key is perfecting the eye formation. It is amazing that cheese companies figured this out while so many football teams still have holes in theirs.

Plus, how cool is it that Berner sees the market potential in Swiss cheese facial patterns? A slice of Barak Obama Swiss would be sensational! After all, he is considered The Big Cheese.

Clearly, there is much more of a science to making Swiss cheese than meets the eyes. Yet while I was focused on the cheesy personality of Swiss, I also discovered a company with a tremendous personality and sense of humor. In this case, it’s extra ironic because while so many companies remain neutral on issues, here’s one that didn’t, which is unusual for anything Swiss related.

If you crave cheese, try Berner Valley Swiss Lace (even though they can’t say what it’s laced with) or look for other tasty products from Berner Natural Cheese. However, if you want to find out what kind of personality is behind a brand, see how they answer your questions — no matter how cheesy they are — when you Write The Company.

Editor’s Note: The names of the companies Berner Natural Cheese mentioned in their reply, as well as my name, were intentionally withheld in the name of confidentiality.

I had some heated words to share with Just Born about their popular candy Hot Tamales…

Dear Candy Creators:

I’ve got the hots for your Hot Tamales chewy cinnamon-flavored candies. I know you sell Hot Tamales and Hot Tamales FIRE. Do you have any studies that show the differential in heat generated in one’s mouth between the two?

Are there any plans to go even hotter with your tamales? How about Hot Tamales Tabasco — the hottest tamales of all — that come just short of making you want to stick a power washer hose in your mouth to put out the fire?

Tamales are a very popular traditional food in Mexico. Are your Hot Tamales a big seller there? How did you come up with the name Hot Tamales? They don’t look anything like tamales.

Have a terrific today and a hot tamale!

A Consumer Relations Representative responded with:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us recently regarding our HOT TAMALES® Brand Candies. We always enjoy hearing from our valued customers.

Extensive research is done by our Marketing and Brand teams as well as our Research and Development department before our candies are available to our consumers. And while it is our company policy to not solicit or accept ideas from outside of the company, many people do offer their suggestions as you did. Our research and development team is always hard at work on new and exciting candy options, most of which are in the works for years before they are introduced into the marketplace.

We have been aggressively working to expand our international presence and we are very excited to be offering a variety of our candies worldwide. Currently though, our HOT TAMALES® Brand Candies are not available in Mexico.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your interest in our products and we hope you will find the enclosed complimentary candy enjoyable.

Final Thoughts: All things considered, this response was more on the mild side. Including a pack of Hot Tamales and Hot Tamales FIRE was appreciated and did score points, but my tongue was really salivating for more information about the kind of heat Hot Tamales are capable of packing.

Just Born seemed more concerned about legal heat, which is a shame because I wasn’t just born yesterday and hoped they would get me fired up about their candy rather than their policy regarding outside ideas and suggestions. I simply asked if they had plans to make Hot Tamales hotter and used Tabasco as an example of how far they could go. Why avoid the hot button issue completely? Who do they think I am — a member of the Tamaleban?

It must be a tough tamale market in Mexico for these Hot Tamales not to be sold there. Luckily, if you crave Hot Tamales, they’re easy to get your hands on here whether you live on this side of the border or visit a lot from the other side. Finally, if you want to see how a manufacturer handles hot issues, don’t candy-coat your thoughts when you Write The Company.

Everyone knows time flies, but I needed more information about when time dies. A product from RadioShack led me to believe they might have the answers…

Dear RadioShackers:

I wrote weeks ago and never heard back. It could be because my letter was sent to Mail Stop #CF3-311, but now I discovered Consumer Care is Mail Stop #CF4-216. Don’t Mail Stops forward to other Mail Stops at RadioShack? Or, did you receive it and just decide to ignore it? Either way, I have plenty of stamps, so I’ll try again…

I’ve got some questions about the RadioShack Talking Watch you sell. I recently went out with a couple and they shared an unusual story about this product. They had bought one for the husband’s elderly mother, and when her time was up, there was a funeral. During the ceremony, the watch was still on his mother’s wrist, and it started to talk. Apparently, even in death, time still ticks away.

If the owner of a RadioShack Talking Watch is buried wearing it, how long will the talking mechanism work for in a casket? Will people visiting the cemetery be able to hear it, even faintly, from a distance of 6 feet away underground? It would be terrible if one of the groundskeepers mistook it for a distress call from someone they thought might have unexpectedly awakened from a coma. Do you have any research that indicates if a person’s soul lives on after passing, that the sounds of a Talking Watch, which they loved while alive, would provide any comfort in the hereafter?

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply.

RadioShack Corporation responded with:

Thanks for your letter. I apologize for the delay in responding to your letter.

We cannot provide any answers to your questions. The situation you describe is not one that we would evaluate our products under. The watch would continue to function until the battery power is depleted or the watch sustains damage causing it to be inoperable.

Final Thoughts: While RadioShack couldn’t provide answers to my questions, the information they did offer was very comforting in this need of time. Knowing the watch would continue to work until the battery power is depleted confirms that it too will eventually die, even after already having been summoned by a higher power for a greater purpose. I’m not sure how the watch could sustain damage in a coffin, but I suppose anything is possible in time. So, it is also fair to accept the reality that it will one day become inoperable, which is ironic because that’s exactly what happened medically with its owner as well.

If you feel a Talking Watch can benefit your life, see if you can dig one up at RadioShack. However, if you’re buried in thought about a product you or a loved one owns, you might find it enlightening to Write The Company.

On June 25, 2010, Kellogg issued a voluntary recall of various cereals. Sometimes you have to make more of an issue than what it already is. So I contacted them to let them know what I make of it…

Dear Chief of Cereal Recalls:

I read about your recent recall of Kellogg’s Corn Pops, Honey Smacks, Froot Loops and Apple Jacks due to an off-flavor and smell coming from the bag. How did you discover there was an off-flavor involved? If the package liner smelled, why would anyone who bought the cereal have gone ahead and eaten it? My philosophy is that if something smells bad, there’s a good chance it’s going to taste bad with the exception of certain cheeses. Would you agree to let the smell be your guide when it comes to breakfast cereals?

Unfortunately, problems do occur with products. Responsible companies like Kellogg act quickly to straighten things out. That said, how did the off-flavored cereal and bad smell get past your quality control inspectors and into stores? It’s not like just one box of cereal slipped through. The recall involved four different cereals. Isn’t someone from your quality control team tasting and sniffing all day?

Furthermore, if the bag is responsible for the off-flavor and smell, how come no one noticed when they opened the box of bags? Wouldn’t someone have had to physically pick up the package liners and put them on the assembly line? Why didn’t they notice then that something smelled fishy, or whatever it did smell like? Did you check to see if there were an abnormal number of employees that day suffering from allergies, sinusitis or an inflamed deviated septum that affected their sense of smell and/or taste?

Thank you for alerting the public to this incident and handling it professionally. Now I look forward to seeing how you handle my questions.

A Consumer Affairs Department Representative responded with:

Thank you for contacting us about our recently announced recall of some packages of Kellogg’s® Corn Pops®, Kellogg’s® Apple Jacks®, Kellogg’s® Froot Loops®, and Kellogg’s® Honey Smacks® cereal. Please visit http://consumeralert.kelloggs.com/consumeralert.aspx?id=3870 to link to a complete list of the product UPCs and Better if Used Before Dates included in the recall. Packages not on this list are not included in the recall. Consumers should not eat the recalled products because they do not meet quality standards.

We value your loyalty to our products and have enclosed a coupon you can use to get another Kellogg favorite.

These packages are being recalled because we identified a substance in the package liner that can produce an uncharacteristic waxy-like off-taste and smell. The off-tastes and smells are caused by a slightly elevated level of a substance commonly present at very low levels in the waxy resins used to make packaging materials that are approved by the FDA. These resins are also commonly used to coat foods such as cheese, raw fruits and vegetables such as cucumbers. We did not find any substances that are not commonly used in packaging materials.

We are working with our supplier of the liner to ensure that this problem does not happen again. We sincerely apologize to our loyal consumers for this situation.

If you have further questions please call (phone number followed) and any of our representatives will be happy to help you by referencing the file number found below.

Final Thoughts: When I end up eating something that smells or tastes off I usually cooked it myself. So I can see how encountering a waxy-like off-taste and smell with something simple like cereal can be surreal.

Unfortunately, compliments don’t go to the chefs at Kellogg this time. But they should go to Kellogg Company and their Consumer Affairs Department for taking responsibility and immediate action — not only when this went public, but also for answering my letter so promptly. Enclosed with the reply were two-plus pages of recall information FAQs as well as a coupon for One FREE Kellogg’s Product. I’ll be sure to use it, although breakfast is taking much longer now as I find myself sniffing every spoonful first.

I do wish Kellogg provided answers to the how and why questions rather than just a corporate form letter explanation of what. Most importantly, why did this happen? How come Quality Control in charge of four cereals didn’t smell something was off? Doesn’t anyone at Kellogg eat their own cereal for breakfast? Surely they should have been the first to know well before lunch time on the day it occurred, let alone all the time it took for the product to reach supermarket shelves. In any case, the substance found in the packaging liners has been identified as the not-so-yummy-sounding hydrocarbon methylnaphthalene. Read this article to learn more about that and food safety.

As I recall, most recalls eventually pass and companies as well as consumers move on and rarely recall anything until the next recall. So if you still have an appetite for breakfast, consider Kellogg’s cereals. However, if something ever smells the least bit funny about a product you use, or a manufacturer is in the news with something you find hard to swallow, one way to get more information is to Write The Company.

I never imagined that this inquiry about turtle care to the Sea Turtle Restoration Project would trigger the kind of response it did…

Dear Turtle Restorers:

Can you please share some expert advice regarding turtle restoration? There’s a product called Turtle Wax, which claims to clean, shine and protect car finishes. Could it also be safely used to clean, shine and protect the shell of a real turtle to restore its shiny finish?

Suppose I had two turtles named Sal and Monella. If I rubbed them down with Turtle Wax, could I get them to shine brighter than the blinding high-beams of a Porsche coming straight at you in the evening after having your eyes dilated by an Optometrist?

I’d never do anything to harm a turtle, so your answer, which is not only a reflection on you, but possibly on the turtles, will be the final word. Please don’t tell me to write the manufacturers of Turtle Wax since I already did, and they either weren’t willing to stick their necks out or didn’t know, because they didn’t write back.

Do you think a freshly turtle waxed shell might get so shiny that a person could actually see themselves in it? How cool would it be to carry around a turtle, which doubled as a mirror? Many tiles are shiny, why not reptiles? Can this be accomplished with the utmost in turtle safety or do you consider it a violation of the reptile rules of the sea?

Very turtlely yours,
“Me”

The Sea Turtle Restoration Project Membership Manager responded with:

Thank you for taking the time to write to us. As you know, sea turtles need all the help they can get right now, so we appreciate that you’re thinking “outside the (burn) box.”

We will certainly take your thoughts on turtle restoration under consideration. Once we’ve cleaned all the oil and sludge off of them, I’m sure they could benefit from a nice coat of shiny wax. Perhaps that will protect them from their next encounter with a gushing geyser of oil from the bottom of the ocean. I wonder why this never occurred to us before?

Perhaps Tony Hayward of BP and the other oil company executives could use some polishing as well. They seem to have lost their luster.

For the turtles,
“Them”

Final Thoughts: I’m really glad Turtle Wax shined me off. Otherwise, I would have never received this touching and enlightening response. While others may also dream of pet turtles with shinier shells, there’s a bigger issue at hand: Oil’s not well in the sea turtle world!

The (burn) box reference in the reply referred to BP using boats and creating a corral of the oil by dragging together fire-resistant booms. The enclosed “Burn Box” was then set on fire, and in the process, the turtles were cruelly burned alive. You can learn more by reading, “Rescue ALL Sea Turtles from Burning Oil.” Then, catch this update resulting from legal action taken to protect sea turtles from incineration, “BP and Coast Guard Halt Burning of Endangered Sea Turtles in Gulf Oil Spill Clean Up.” One look at the photo of the sea turtle recovered from the spill sadly shows how this is far from one of our most shining moments.

Bravo to the Membership Manager for putting this issue into perspective so slickly! It moved me to look into the work of STRP and support their efforts with a donation. While they are protecting and restoring the populations of endangered sea turtles, who’s going to restore our faith in those charged with handling disasters like this for our population? Here’s where you can learn more about the Sea Turtle Restoration Project.

As a consumer, sometimes a simple product inquiry can open your eyes to an important sign or shine of the times. So when a manufacturer (Hello, Turtle Wax!), corporation (Paging BP!) or government (That’s US!) either refuses to come out of its shell, moves slower than a turtle, and/or doesn’t provide (or have) all the answers required to effectively solve a problem, try contacting an organization that cares because you don’t always get satisfaction when you Write The Company.

You know the game where you try to find the pea under one of three shells? That’s how I felt trying to guess which address to write Shell Oil Company about their Magic Shade product for car windshields…

Dear Sun Shielders:

This is the third time I’ve mailed this letter seeking an answer. When I called to verify your address, because I’ve been given a couple, I was told all customer service inquiries are handled via email, fax or phone. Well, I like letters! Has Shell Oil Products US really phased out responding to letters sent via regular mail? Isn’t there anyone in customer service who still answers letters that arrive in envelopes — even an old-timer? If so…

I’ve got a few questions about Magic Shade for car windshields that you auto know the answers.

The warning states, “ATTENTION: Vehicles should not be driven with sunshade in the window.” It scares me that you need to put that on the Magic Shade. Not because it isn’t important, but because any driver that needs it pointed out to them SHOULD NOT BE OPERATING A 4,000 POUND VEHICLE! Can you tell me how many accidents are caused each year by nut jobs driving with their sunshade blocking their windshield?

You claim seats can heat up to 162 degrees F, which is the temperature for cooking ground beef … and dashboards can reach 181 degrees F, the temperature for cooking poultry. Since you’ve already done this research, can you tell me how long would it take to actually cook those foods completely? I spend a lot of time driving and, if your facts are accurate, it would be a huge time-saver if I didn’t have to pull off the road to eat and just did the cooking while driving — without my Magic Shade in the windshield, of course.

Stay in the shade, but beware of people who are in the dark.

Shell Customer Service responded with:

Thank you for your note to Shell about our Axius sun shades. Your letter brought smiles to our faces and we truly appreciate your sense of humor. To show our appreciation for taking the time to write, we would love for you to have a Shell gas card.

Please enjoy and thank you for contacting Shell.

Final Thoughts: This is a prime example of how persistence pays off when you want to be heard by a company. Just keep after them even when you feel like you’re running out of gas. Although Shell didn’t answer any of my questions, this was still a customer service experience that paid off — to the tune of a $25 Shell Gift Card!

The response was handwritten on a note card with the Shell logo on front, which added a personal, friendly touch. There was urgency behind the reply as well, arriving via Express Mail — postage $18.50 — with signature required. So, Shell invested $43.50 to make things right and refuel the relationship. Plus, it’s always fun to hear what a company really thinks of my letter. Knowing I brought smiles to their faces and that they appreciate my sense of humor meant a lot. Especially since I felt the same way about what they wrote for their product package copy.

Shopping for an auto shade? Keep your eyes open for Magic Shade from SOPUS Products (Shell Oil Products US). Low on gas? Look for Shell. Got questions about a product or its packaging that are driving you crazy? Write The Company.