General Mills introduced the first fruit-flavored cereal in 1954. Since then, millions have fallen for their Trix. Having experienced many sweet memories from Trix, as well as other cereals from General Mills, I wondered how they would respond to this…

Dear Trixters:

Everyone knows Trix are for kids. When do you plan to acknowledge adults that eat them? Isn’t it time for grown-up Trix eaters to come out of the closet, at least in the kitchen?

I was reading a brochure on the General Mills website called, “Benefits of Cereal.” There’s a section titled, “What about sugar?” It’s interesting that you say, “On average, cereals — including presweetened cereals — provide less than 5 percent of children’s daily sugar intake.” A couple of pages later, in the “Lowering sugar” section, you talk about how you’re listening to consumers and working to lower the sugar in cereals. If sugar levels are just 5 percent of a child’s daily intake, why do you feel it’s necessary to lower it more? Is even 5 percent too high? How much sugar is too much? If you start eliminating all the sugar, what’s going to be left in cereal — a bunch of artificial crunchy ingredients?

From what I can tell, Trix is still in double-digits in sugar content grams. With so many kids on medication for Hyperactivity Attention Deficit Disorder, what kind of an impact do you expect reducing sugar levels even further will have? They didn’t have ADHD or ADD when I was a kid and I ate Trix all the time. Today though, I think I might have AD, which is even worse than ADD. I can barely remember what I typed two sentences ago, but I’m sure it was important or I wouldn’t have included it.

Is sugar really that bad for you? So many kids are high on something these days. Is getting a good sugar high going to be history soon? And, if you’re going to turn Trix, make sure adults get to enjoy them.

A Representative from General Mills Cereals responded with:

Thank you for contacting General Mills. Your comments are important to us.

We are committed to making a difference in the lives of our consumers. Feedback such as yours is important to the nature of our business.

We appreciate your loyalty and the time you took to contact us. Please be assured that we will share your thoughts with the appropriate individuals.

Final Thoughts: Even though the response didn’t include any answers or information regarding Trix or sugar levels, it was still sweet of General Mills to reply. Maybe they believe in sugarcoating their cereals and their corporate responses. I’m glad they are sharing my thoughts with the appropriate individuals. I wouldn’t want any silly rabbits to get a hold of them. Although, I was hoping they would share their thoughts with me, which is why I put question marks at the end of so many of my thoughts. That’s the problem with form letters. No one puts much thought into them.

You may find this “Benefits of Cereal” information from General Mills interesting. Don’t miss the section, “Lowering Sugar.” Even though General Mills didn’t have much to say to me, a spokeswoman of theirs was quoted in this Chicago Tribune article, “Pact to limit sugary cereals to kids not worth its salt.” If you’re also interested in iron, take a look at this terrific response General Mills sent when I inquired about the iron in Total cereal.

When it’s time for breakfast, Trix could be a sweet treat. But remember, one way to see whether a manufacturer will or will not try to sweet talk you is to Write The Company.

Even though dust settles, I have no intention of settling for dust. Since Swiffer Dusters from Procter & Gamble gather up dust, I reached out to them to gather up information about dust…

Dear Dust Devourers:

I use Swiffer Dusters mainly because I can’t use feather dusters since I’m allergic to feathers. Then again, I’m allergic to dust, so technically I’m allergic to dusting. Any idea how much dust the average person needs to inhale to force a sneeze? How about a wheeze? I figure the dust is going to get me whether I dust or don’t dust, so I’m going to risk dusting until an allergist orders me to live in a bubble. Just in case, does Procter & Gamble sell dust-free bubbles? It seems you guys sell everything!

House dust is everywhere. It’s kind of weird that people collect so many things like figurines, model cars and porn videos, yet the only thing the things we collect seem to collect is dust. Where does it come from? It’s like the dust magically appears out of thin air. Have you considered that perhaps thin air is the problem, not dust? If air were thicker — like air that’s so thick you can cut it with a knife — would there be less dust around? Is P&G working on any air thickening dust-reduction products?

Even when you don’t think there’s dust, and sunlight shines through a window, you can have an asthma attack just seeing all the dust that’s really there. Why does some dust drop down onto surfaces while other dust floats around unseen until it’s in the right light? When I Swiffer dust, the dust doesn’t seem to fly around like with other dusters. Why is that? Your answers are important, so please don’t leave me in the you-know-what.

A Swiffer Team Representative responded with:

Thanks for contacting us. Hearing from you and other consumers helps us toward our goal of delivering top quality products and services worldwide. The Swiffer Duster has fluffy fibers and textured dusting strips that help clean all surfaces as well as trap dust inside those strips. That is possible because of a special coating on those strips, which aids in the trapping of the dust.

I hope this information is helpful.

Final Thoughts: Apparently, I didn’t need to write the first 98 percent of the letter. It would have been interesting if the Swiffer Team responded to some of my questions other than just the last one. However, unlike dust, they didn’t even touch the surface.

Rather than bite the dust and give up so easily, I went looking for answers on my own. It turns out that the Swiffer Team may have been right. Based on what I learned, it might be better not knowing. This Time Magazine article, “What’s in Household Dust? Don’t Ask” provides a real close-up look at dust. You may think it’s nothing to sneeze at, but for some people it definitely is. Here’s more about the study referred to in the article.

Enclosed with the reply were two coupons: Buy One IAMS Dog Food Can Get One FREE and Buy One IAMS Cat Food Can Get One FREE. I’m not sure why out of all the products P&G manufactures that they would send coupons for these items. I guess they figured if I was allergic to feathers and dust, what would the odds be that I’d also be allergic to every single cat on the planet and certain dogs that also happen to have hair?

If you’re collecting dust, try Swiffer. Although, if you need to collect information about a product or the science behind how it works, don’t let your thoughts turn to dust before you Write The Company.

Elbow macaroni seems different to me than any other kind of pasta. That’s why I wrote New World Pasta, manufacturers of the Creamette brand, after noodling around with some suggestions for expanding the concept of elbow macaroni…

Dear Elbow Macaroni Manufacturers:

There’s no denying that elbow macaroni is one of the most popular pastas. Plus subliminally, when the majority of your elbow macaronis are arced upwards, it’s like eating a bowl of food that’s constantly smiling at you. On the other hand, when too many of them are arced downwards, they can look very, very sad. Have you ever noticed that?

Elbow macaroni is not only fun to eat, it really does look like an elbow! No other pasta looks like its name unless you already know what it’s called and what it looks like. I mean, elbow macaroni looks like an elbow, right, but what does manicotti look like other than manicotti? Has Creamette thought about packaging the irregular or chipped elbow macaroni that come off the assembly line as Tennis Elbow Macaroni? How about elbow macaroni with extra oil that could be called Elbow Grease Macaroni? What about really long elbow macaroni sold as Over-Extended Elbow Macaroni?

To take things even further, does Creamette have more fun body parts pasta products in the works? For example, to compete with Shells, I think Stuffed Kneecap Macaroni could be a winner. How about Ankle Macaroni, which could give Gnocchi a serious run for its money? Have you considered Long Intestine Macaroni to compete in the fettuccini and spaghetti arenas?

What kind of pasta innovations is Creamette coming up with that will take macaroni into the next century?

Macaronily yours,
“Me”

A Consumer Relations Representative responded with:

Thank you for contacting New World Pasta.

It is flattering when consumers share their ideas with us. Many times, our consumers have ideas that are similar to plans which are currently under consideration within our company. Our creative departments are always working on new product concepts and ideas. Unfortunately, those ideas are never shared with us until they are announced to the public.

If we may be of further service to you, call us toll-free at (phone number and hours of operation followed). To insure prompt handling of your call, please inform the Consumer Affairs Representative of the reference number printed in the lower left margin of this letter.

Final Thoughts: Even if New World Pasta is working on additional Creamette body parts pasta products, they are choosing to keep it private. While it would have been fun to hear their thoughts, you still have to respect a company’s right to keep information about their body parts private.

It’s hard to believe the creative departments never share new product ideas and concepts with Consumer Relations until they are announced to the public. That sounds a lot like how the government operates. Only a few people, if any, know what’s going on before they tell anyone. Many others involved don’t have a clue what’s going on before, during, or sometimes even after the public finds out. Yet no one seems to listen to the public. In the end, what gets served up all depends on who they’re rubbing elbows with, or in this case, rubbing elbow macaronis with.

Until new body part pastas are created, there are many other New World Pasta choices available, including elbow macaroni from Creamette. However, if you have suggestions about a brand’s body of products, the manufacturer may or may not touch them when you Write The Company.

On MTV’s Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, Jessica Simpson once asked: “Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says Chicken … by the Sea. Is that stupid?” I recently wrote Chicken of the Sea and picked up where Jessica left off…

Dear Chicken Fisherman:

As a consumer, I’m interested in your company. What I don’t understand is why your company isn’t interested in me. I mailed a friendly letter of inquiry and the response was quieter than a sea of chickens in a crowded coop all suffering from laryngitis. Mind if I try again?

How did you come up with the name Chicken of the Sea? Everyone knows there’s really no chicken in the sea, except for maybe Jessica Simpson. It’s an unusual name. I mean, why chicken? Why not go all the way with something even more upscale like Filet Mignon of the Sea? After all, you can order a Tuna Steak, so why not Filet Mignon Tuna?

Finally, that mermaid you have in your logo is hot! Do you have any posters or stickers of her you could send? Since she’s only a cartoon character, there’s a limit to how far consumers can fantasize about her. Have you considered replacing her with Jessica Simpson dressed as a mermaid?

There are lots of fish in the sea, but there’s only one kind of chicken. That’s what makes Chicken of the Sea so much more than just tuna.

A Consumer Affairs Representative responded with:

Thank you for contacting us.

In the “old days”, fishermen referred to White Albacore tuna as Chicken of the Sea. It was called this because of its white flesh and very mild flavor, which reminded them of chicken. The founder of Chicken of the Sea International thought this would be a unique name for a brand of tuna and decided to use it. The company is now over 80 years old, and the name Chicken of the Sea and the Mermaid label are known worldwide.

For up to date information such as promotion, recipes, product information of interest, please visit our website at www.chickenofthesea.com.

Because we value you as a good customer of ours and appreciate your taking the time to contact our company, we are enclosing discount coupons to use the next time you are out shopping.

Final Thoughts: There are many foods that people say taste like chicken. Ironically, Chicken of the Sea isn’t one of them. I can see how Jessica got confused. It would be fascinating to see how she would react to Jerk Chicken or Cock Flavored Soup.

I’m not sure what goes on in the minds of fishermen while at sea, but it appears that the tuna is definitely playing with their heads. On one hand, we should be thankful the white flesh of tuna made them think of chicken. Otherwise, we might be eating Mime, Albino or Caucasian of the Sea today. On the other hand, another group of fishermen saw tuna, didn’t think chicken, and was apparently reminded of a Bumble Bee. Therefore, make sure to check the ingredients of whatever tuna you buy to confirm that it’s really tuna and not some other con artist animal with an alias trying to impersonate it.

Chicken of the Sea delivered an interesting story about the name behind their brand. I’m surprised they haven’t expanded their product line to include Tuna of the Coop. They also enclosed 3 Save 25¢ Coupons On Any Chicken of the Sea Product and 2 Chicken of the Sea Mermaid stickers (see photo). So, it looks like they are sticking with the Mermaid and not replacing her with Jessica.

In case you missed it, here’s a video clip of Jessica Simpson trying to figure out Chicken of the Sea. You might also enjoy this Chicken of the Sea “In the News” post and MTV article.

Next time you are at the market looking for tuna, consider catching some Chicken of the Sea. However, if you’re fishing around for information about a product or brand, it can be fun to see what kind of answers you reel in when you Write The Company.

After the subject of yeast infections came up with a female friend, I consulted Amerifit Brands, manufacturers of AZO Yeast, to investigate further…

Dear Fighters of the Yeast Beast:

From what I can tell, AZO YEAST effectively relieves yeast infections. I’ve never had a yeast infection, probably because I never had a vagina either. That doesn’t mean I don’t know women who have yeast infections, as well as vaginas, so I still need to understand what I’m talking about in this area if it ever comes up.

Since AZO YEAST comes in tablet form, can you explain why that’s better than vaginal cream form? While the cream is probably more fun to apply, it’s going directly onto the problem, whereas your tablet needs to be swallowed. At first, I thought you just insert the tablet into the mouth of the vagina, but upon further research, I discovered it’s meant to be swallowed. How does your treatment know how to get from the mouth to the vagina to fight off the yeast where it lives downtown?

You also claim that AZO YEAST prevents future reoccurrences. How does it know to do that? I can see how a treatment is formulated to relieve what it knows is there, but how can a tablet know how to stop future yeast from wreaking havoc?

I’ve never known a man who got a yeast infection, but I hear it’s possible and quite painful. Can men catch it from their wife, another lover or a neighbor? What’s the difference between female and male yeast? Where does male yeast live? Is AZO YEAST strong enough to kill off manly yeast?

Since I took the time to write, please take the time to answer. It’s the yeast you can do.

A Consumer Resource Team Representative from Amerifit Brands responded with:

Thank you for taking the time to write to us. AZO Yeast is a natural, homeopathic herbal product formulated to help stimulate the body’s natural defenses against yeast and will help with symptoms such as itching and irritation. Homeopathic medicine is a natural form of medicine that uses immeasurably small doses of medicines to stimulate the body’s own defense and healing process. Homeopathy focuses on bringing the entire body back into homeostasis, or balance. The herbs Boneset and Mistletoe have a mild analgesic effect on the body and help with irritation and inflammation. Lactobacillus is good intestinal flora that is natural to the body and helps fend off bad bacteria and yeast by taking over where they like to populate.

AZO Yeast is a tablet that is meant to be swallowed. It will be digested like a normal supplement and go through the digestive tract which is where bacteria and yeast often stem from. AZO Yeast will also help balance pH levels, which is what also contributes to yeast overgrowth. Taking AZO Yeast daily will keep the body’s defenses elevated against yeast and keep everything balanced. You can use an anti-fungal cream along with AZO Yeast. This is a very effective treatment combination. However, many women find AZO Yeast works well on its own.

AZO Yeast was designed and formulated to help with vaginal yeast in women. We do not have clinical data in regard to its benefits when taken by men or with yeast in other parts of the body. For further information in regard to men and yeast issues, I recommend speaking with your Doctor.

I hope this information is helpful. If you have any further questions, please feel free to call us at (phone number followed).

Final Thoughts: Amerifit should definitely be applauded for this highly informative response. Also included were two printouts, which happen to be online: “About Yeast Infections” and “Vaginal Yeast Infections.”

Even if you’ve never experienced a yeast infection or been invited to attend an exam to verify one, there is still a lot you can take away from this reply. For example, who knew that homeostasis means balance? I can’t wait to ask a teller to check my mine! Plus, all this knowledge could definitely qualify you to apply if you ever see a health fair advertising for someone to dress up as the Yeaster Bunny.

Since AZO Yeast was designed and formulated to help with vaginal yeast, men with yeast issues need to pursue other treatments. If you’re experiencing vagina envy or have been through a sex change operation, consult a transsexual surgeon or Candida albicans specialist when you have or suspect symptoms of a male yeast infection.

Here’s where you can learn more about AZO Yeast. However, if you want to learn more about protection from an infection, or a product you know nothing about, one way to get the facts is to Write The Company.

After an unusual incident involving a passenger several months ago, I wrote Air Canada to see if they felt this idea based on what happened could take off…

Dear Canadians that Fly Through the Air:

Your website says, “You can expect to hear back from us within 30 days.” Since I didn’t, I thought you should hear back from me so that I can hope to hear back from you within 30 days from now, which would be way more than 60 days if you don’t respond again.

I read a news story about an Air Canada passenger who fell asleep on the plane and woke up in a hangar at Vancouver International Airport. I’m not sure how that can happen, but I’d give up 5,273 frequent miles to see a video of his reaction when he woke up! I’d also like to know his sleep technique secret because once the flight attendant crashes the beverage cart into the side of my seat or stuck out leg I can never fall back asleep again.

It’s not my intention to blame your flight crew, even if they appear to have been asleep on the job. In fact, they may have actually hit upon a terrific idea. Sometimes, out of bad comes good. Not often, but maybe this time.

I’m always rushing to catch flights. Between last minute packing, shaving, showering, dressing, getting to the airport, going through security and everything else, I figure that’s a good 3 to 4 hours of wasted time. That’s why I’m wondering if Air Canada might consider allowing passengers to arrive the night before their flight to sleep on the plane in the hangar. You definitely can’t say it hasn’t been done before! It would certainly be understandable if you charged for use of your hangars, even though places like hotels don’t charge for theirs. I’ll bet people would be happy to pay it, too!

Do you foresee this kind of service being offered in the near future? It might even open the door to another customer loyalty program featuring Frequent Sleeper Miles. Do you feel this kind of customer experience has merit? You must think it does on some level since it was really your idea to begin with, even if it was unintentional. Now that I’ve put it in this perspective, I’m anxious to hear whether you think it has intentional potential. What do you think?

Two Attempts. No Replies.

Final Thoughts: I’m not sure why Air Canada didn’t respond. Maybe Customer Service is also prone to falling asleep on the job. In any case, it appears the idea of sleeping on planes the night before early morning first flights of the day will remain up in the air. Nevertheless, if you’re intrigued by this concept, the next best thing until airlines offer it might be: The Budget Traveller Guide to Sleeping in Airports.

Here is the news story that triggered my inquiry. Just beware if you fall asleep somewhere in public that doesn’t supply a bed — whether it’s on some form of transportation, or elsewhere. Aside from waking up someplace you didn’t expect; there are people who enjoy taking pictures of sleepers and posting them online.

These are some tips for Sleeping on Planes. Your sleep might also be less likely to be disturbed if you fly with Air Canada. However, sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a service provider is keeping their eyes open for its customers. If you’re not sure, Write The Company.

Teapot is one word. Separate those words and it becomes Tea Pot. I contacted Celestial Seasonings to see how one of their teas would be affected by this change…

Dear Tea Baggers:

Your Detox A.M. Wellness Tea caught my attention. How effective would the detox process be for a drug intervention if the contents of 2,000 Celestial Seasonings Detox A.M. tea bags were used to replace an equivalent amount of someone’s marijuana stash?

Hypothetically, if someone actually smoked Detox A.M. Tea, thinking it was really marijuana, would it break his addiction to the wacky weed? Homeopathically, will it detox their body while refreshing their brain cell count? Psychedelically, could a teapot function as a tea bong … and would the user eventually start craving tea over chips, cookies, crunchy cereals and Cannabis?

Please give me the straight dope on the effects of your Detox A.M.Tea. This could really give new meaning to the term High Tea!

A Consumer Relations Representative from The Hain Celestial Group, manufacturers of Celestial Seasonings, responded with:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding our Detox AM. We strive to maintain the highest quality products and appreciate your patronage.

We are sorry, but we have no research about this product in the fashion in which you were asking. We only know it as detoxifying a person’s body and liver through consuming it as a beverage.

As one of our valued customers, your comments are very important to us and we appreciate the time you’ve taken to contact us. Please accept the enclosed along with our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused.

If we can be of further assistance, please feel free to contact us at (phone number and hours of operation followed).

Final Thoughts: Many people let themselves go to pot. Based on having no research, as pointed out in this response, that doesn’t mean it’s a smart idea to go to tea pot. I’ve never heard of anything that was good for you to smoke. I’m not even sure what the effects of eating smoked ribs, turkey, pork, chicken or herring have on the lungs even though they’re meant for the stomach.

There are many detox diets, supplements, body cleansers and drinks on the market. Like marijuana, they have also turned into a controversial issue. In any case, if you’re considering detoxing or conducting a detoxifying drug intervention, it’s important to understand what you’re doing, and in this case, I clearly don’t. For all we know, the Surgeon General could put out a warning at any moment that smoking tea is hazardous to your health. Plus, customs officials at airports in foreign countries might already be savvy to this and have tea sniffing dogs looking for people to let rot away in prison for possession of tea pot. So, don’t start trading in those nickel and dime bags for tea bags just yet.

Enclosed with the response were 3 Save 50¢ coupons on any box of Celestial Seasonings tea. Luckily, I have a teapot and don’t plan on experimenting with tea pot.

Next time you’re at the market trying to weed out all the different types of teas, check out Celestial Seasonings, including their Detox A.M. Wellness Tea. However, if you want get the best buzz about a brand, roll your thoughts into a letter and Write The Company.

They say it’s important to watch your words. I wrote Merriam-Webster when I wondered whether a word I was watching might be one they weren’t watching as closely…

Dear Merriam-Webster Word Wizards:

I’d like to have a word with you if I may. The word is “differentiator.” I looked it up in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. In place of the definition, it says that word isn’t in the free online dictionary, but it is in the Merriam-Webster Unabridged Dictionary. You then explain that there are over 225,000 definitions in the free online version and over 470,000 in the unabridged version. On behalf of the word “differentiator,” I am lodging a formal protest and urge you to reconsider its placement.

How do you determine which of the over 245,000 words not to include in the online dictionary? You included the word “differentiate” in there! Are you telling me the difference between an “e” at the end and an “or” makes the word “differentiator” abridged? How do your linguistic differentiators differentiate between words when determining the differentiating factors that decide how distinct words differ in delivering them to their final differentiated dictionary destination? Based on that, do you consider the last sentence to be bridged or unabridged since it uses many variations of the word?

It has become increasingly difficult to differentiate between Merriam-Webster dictionaries. Can you please explain why?

Indifferentiatingly yours,
“Me”

A Representative from Merriam-Webster responded with:

Thank you for your letter regarding the word differentiator.

Both the free Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary and the Merriam-Webster Unabridged Dictionary are based on print publications. The former is an electronic version of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition, which contains the most frequently used English words. New entries are added yearly to the Collegiate in order to reflect words that have recently come into popular use. Because the new material always exceeds the amount of older material that can be safely deleted, our editors are constantly struggling to keep the book at a reasonable size. As a result, some less common words (such as differentiator) have to be omitted.

The Unabridged, on the other hand, reflects the massive volume that’s formally titled Webster’s Third New International Dictionary. There are few, if any, space concerns here, and entries that are esoteric, obsolete, etc., are able to be included with impunity. Somewhere along the editorial line, a decision was made that differentiability and differentiable showed sufficient popular use to merit their entry as run-ons at differentiate in the Collegiate, while differentiator was relegated to the Unabridged. This decision was no doubt based on the evidence, or dearth of it, for differentiator in the printed sources contained in our citation file.

I hope this response addresses your concerns regarding our dictionaries in a satisfactory manner. Thank you once again for your letter.

Final Thoughts: For consistency, there should just be one dictionary and all words should be in it. If the word isn’t popular enough to make the cut, toss it! That’s why the word delete was created. Otherwise, if a word is in one dictionary, but not others, and you don’t own a copy of every dictionary, you can’t possibly know all the words available to use. No wonder why so many people speak the same language, but you can’t understand them. There are too many dictionaries and some are holding back their words. Why do we even need so many words? How many people actually have a vocabulary consisting of more than 125 of them?

What differentiates one dictionary publisher from another? The best ones seem to have a way with words. Merriam-Webster clearly does. In a world where so many companies end up eating their words way too often, it is refreshing to deal with one that spits them out and intelligently feeds them to you in a way you can digest. That sentence alone proves how hard it is to find the right words sometimes. Regardless, you’re still always better off using a dictionary instead of taking the words right out of someone’s mouth. It’s a disgusting habit and you don’t always know where those words came from. Plus, many words get stuck at the tip of peoples’ tongues and most of the time it’s probably best if they stayed there.

When you need to differentiate between words, check with Merriam-Webster. However, sometimes you have to take action that speaks louder than words while using words to do it. That’s when you need to Write The Company.

P.S. This isn’t the first time I’ve written Merriam-Webster. Make sure to read, “In the Words of Merriam-Webster.”

I don’t mind cleaning myself in the shower every day. But I do mind cleaning the shower. After discovering Mean Green Daily Shower Spray, it gave me an idea to run by the manufacturers…

Dear Green Meanies:

Your Mean Green household cleaning products are Mean! They would have to be to live up to their name, which is very appropriate, because who would buy cleaning products with a name like Polite Green? No one. So stay Mean!

My question is about your Mean Green Daily Shower Spray. The one you say, “Just Spray & Walk Away!” I like that idea. I would bet hearing that alone would have any form of bacteria, germ, soap scum or body bug shaking in their boots if they understood English, or even wore boots.

It says on the front label, “CAUTION: Eye Irritant.” That makes sense. No one in their right mind should clean their eyes with Daily Shower Spray. However, while the concept of a daily shower spray is appealing, I’m honestly not really motivated enough to want to spray my shower on a daily basis. Would spritzing myself with Mean Green Daily Shower Spray, if I didn’t get any in my eyes, offer the same protection for the rest of my body parts against whatever is breeding on my shower stall, tiles, faucet and drain lid?

Stay Mean!

CR Brands, Inc. responded with:

Thanks for your letter and inquiry regarding whether or not Mean Green can be sprayed directly on your body to keep the bacteria, etc., at bay.

The simple answer is “no.” Mean Green is just too mean for such a use. Better – would be to bathe with regular bar soap and keep the Mean Green on the tiled shower walls.

Thank you for writing!

Final Thoughts: Oh well, it looks like I’ll have to scrub that idea. But there is a lesson to be learned. Showering with someone is fun. Showering with stuff like soap scum and worse is not. Just remember that Mean Green Daily Shower Spray is meant for tiles, not torsos, toes and tushies. So don’t spray it on yourself or anyone else you shower with no matter how mean they turn out to be.

On a scale of 1 to 10 — ten being the cleanest, one being the meanest — where does your shower rate? Yes, the caulk that was once bright white and now is a color even Crayola couldn’t identify does count. Plus, if you’re carving reminders to yourself in the caked up soap on your stall wall, that’s an indication it’s probably time to clean up your shower act.

Here’s another terrific tip: Next time you visit someone’s home and use the bathroom, don’t just go through the medicine cabinet. Inspect the shower as well. Make sure to do it after you eat so you don’t lose your appetite. Don’t think of it as spying; consider it research. Now you’ll know what to bring next time you’re invited over for dinner and stuck for a gift idea — a Daily Shower Spray.

If your shower looks like a breeding ground for mean things, look into Mean Green Daily Shower Spray. However, if you want to see whether a manufacturer comes clean when you shower them with questions about their products, just Write The Company.

A loyal Write The Company fan and Twitter follower, @DanREvans, sent a suggestion for a letter to Dunkin’ Donuts. They didn’t reply to my first inquiry about the things that bugged Dan, which bugged me, so I bugged them again to respond…

Dear Dough Nuts that also Serve Good Coffee:

My first question is: What does Customer Service do all day? Apparently, you’re not paying attention to all your customers because by not answering my letter, you’ve actually been ignoring two customers. I figure since I keep eating your donuts and the other guy keeps drinking your coffee that the least you could do is serve up a response. So, I’m resending my inquiry and here’s what we’d still like to know…

My buddy Dan has two Dunkin’ Donuts dilemmas. Can you please provide sound rationales, or even some plausible propaganda, to help Dan fully understand why you are torturing him to this extent?

Dilemma 1: How come the price of Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee is more expensive than the cost of hot coffee? That makes no sense — it’s all coffee! Why would the temperature of coffee determine the cost? Based on your iced-costs-more-than-hot philosophy, that would mean you could charge more for donuts when they come out hot. But you don’t. Why? Because it would be ludicrous — just like it is to charge more for iced coffee! Every time Dan orders a combo, your various stores charge up to 40 cents more to trade out the hot medium coffee for a medium iced coffee. How do your pricing experts explain this?

Dilemma 2: Another problem is that you don’t offer any non-fat creamer. Dan tells me that Half & Half can add up to 200 extra calories. And that can be 10% of a person’s caloric intake for an entire day. Holy cow! If a person drinks Dunkin’ Donuts coffees throughout the day, every day, it won’t be long before they start looking like a cow! Can’t you take some of the money you’re siphoning from iced coffee customers to provide a non-fat creamer option?

I know America Runs on Dunkin’, but what’s with the people running Dunkin’? Are they all just pro-fat and anti-iced? Is there anything you can share before Dan flies off again in a Dunkin’ stupor?

A Customer Relations Associate responded with:

Thank you for taking the time to contact Dunkin’ Donuts. We always appreciate hearing from our customers. Our iced coffee is typically priced higher than hot coffee is because to ensure the iced coffee has our full delicious flavor, it is double brewed.

I will forward your feedback regarding non fat creamer to our product team. It’s important to us to get feedback both good and bad about our products and the service you receive at our shops. We will make sure your comments get heard and shared with the appropriate people.

At Dunkin’ Donuts we value our customers and are committed to making your visits to our stores a pleasant experience. Please accept the enclosed gift as a gesture of our sincere appreciation for your comments.

Thank you again for contacting us and have a great day.

Final Thoughts: In the end, Dunkin’ Donuts did deliver and address Dan’s issues. Iced coffee costs more because it’s double brewed. Doing things twice is more expensive, which is why it cost me double postage and time to send out two letters.

A 2008 Dunkin’ Donuts press release elaborated on double brewing iced coffee by stating, “The unique process, called double brewing, uses twice the amount of coffee when making the beverage to achieve consistent flavor and freshness that are never compromised at the expense of serving it cold.” This makes for an interesting double standard when it comes to coffee.

The Customer Relations Associate also seemed sincere about passing on the non fat creamer request. Why not offer it? There are already enough fat and fat calories to go around for everyone in the donuts!

Included with the response was a $5.00 Dunkin’ Donuts gift card. I’m going to offer it to Dan who inspired this letter. Now, no one can ever say that I don’t give a Dan. Dunkin’ certainly did, which was very thoughtful.

Next time you crave hot or iced coffee and donuts, look for Dunkin’ Donuts. Finally, when you need answers about what’s brewing behind the scenes of a brand, after your morning coffee you can always Write The Company.