“Power to the Squirrels” is not a movement led by a pack of raucous rebel rodents. Although when it comes to power, squirrels may be walking a fine line. What are the risks for our bushy-tailed friends on power lines in Florida? I asked Florida Power & Light…

Dear Power Suppliers:

In addition to providing electric power to millions of people, can you please tell me whether your electric power is also being served to squirrels?

My understanding is that squirrels are fine scampering across low electrical power lines, but if they touch a low and high power line simultaneously, they’re toast. Is this an accurate assessment? How many volts does it take to fry a squirrel? More importantly, what is Florida Power & Light doing to protect squirrels from electrocution on the squirrel highway, otherwise known as power lines?

I see birds perched on power lines all the time. There are certainly more birds on power lines than squirrels. Yet, I rarely see birds frozen by electrical currents with their feathers sticking straight out. In fact, I see more sneakers hanging from power lines than I do birds or squirrels. How many birds do you estimate experience this kind of electrifying fate annually versus the number of squirrels versus the number of sneakers?

I’ve seen many CAUTION signs near power lines, which warn humans to keep away. Unfortunately, birds, squirrels, sneakers and an ever-growing group of Americans who are illiterate aren’t receiving those warnings. What’s being done at FPL to keep them away from experiencing what it feels like to have too much power?

FPL Customer Care Center responded with:

WE WERE UNABLE TO PROCESS YOUR REQUEST
Thank you for your recent correspondence to FPL requesting FPL policies for squirrels on power lines.

We are looking forward to serving you. However, we were not able to process your request because: we were unable to retrieve your FPL account to enter your dissatisfaction with voltage on power lines.

PLEASE CALL US
Please contact our Customer Care Center at 800-226-3545 at your earliest convenience to provide additional information or clarification. If you have already contacted us to supply the necessary information, we appreciate your cooperation.

WE LOOK FORWARD TO SERVING YOU
All of us at FPL are working harder and smarter to meet your energy needs and keep you informed. Our goal is your complete satisfaction. We look forward to serving you in the future.

Final Thoughts: Even though no insights were offered whatsoever regarding FPL policies pertaining to squirrels and power lines, this was still a pretty squirrelly response. Talk about beating around the bushy! Customer Care mentioned three times how they look forward to serving me. So why didn’t they? Forget looking forward to serving me in the future. How about serving me in the present?

Last time I wrote FLP they responded with a terrific reply and defended their position on a rate hike proposal without asking for my account number. Why were they able to deliver details then? Because it best served their interests? What does my account number have to do with releasing squirrel power-related information? I never said squirrels were being electrocuted on my power lines. Or that every time I go in or out of the house I’m surrounded by smoldering squirrel carcasses who’ve chewed through a cable.

Then, Customer Care made up some stuff about my “dissatisfaction with voltage on power lines.” Where did that come from? Maybe the squirrels are dissatisfied. Some might even be shocked. I wouldn’t know because I don’t speak squirrel, and since squirrels don’t speak English, I was simply inquiring about their safety on their behalf. I don’t know the first thing about voltage. In fact, my knowledge of electricity is limited to flipping a switch and hoping the bulb lights up.

You may not be able to learn much about their power policies for protecting squirrels, but here’s where you can find out more about Florida Power & Light. However, when you ask a service provider to shed some light on something you feel is worth asking, they may or may not leave you in the dark when you Write The Company.

Fans of squirrels will also enjoy:
Food Standards for Serving Squirrel

After cherry picking at my local market, I had some questions for Jealous Fruits about the Canadian cherries I picked…

Dear Cherry Fruit Folks:

It’s been about 6 weeks and you still haven’t answered my email. I’m not sure when the height of cherry season is, but if it’s not right now, I can’t see why you wouldn’t have time to answer my questions. So here’s my inquiry again…

Congratulations on being the largest cherry producer in Canada and sharing your cherries with the United States. I recently purchased your Canada No. 1 Cherries. I didn’t know cherries came in No.s until I read the bag. What makes a cherry a No. 1 versus a No. 2 or No. 3? It’s confusing enough that they do this number thing with pencils because you always see No. 2s, but where are the No. 1s? How high do the cherry No.s go? Is there a Chinese-like cherry menu from which you can order a No. 69 or a No. 142?

In the bag I purchased, there was 1 No. 1 that had some white fuzzy stuff on it. I’m guessing it was mold, but I don’t have a lab on the premises and can’t be sure. Even if I did have a lab I still wouldn’t be able to tell because I mostly got C’s in Science. So hypothetically, if it were mold, would the other cherries without white fuzzy stuff on them be safe to eat? I hope so since I did. Is cherry mold anything like cockroaches where when you see 1, you know there are many more about ready to appear out of nowhere like the next wave of a plague?

I noticed that on the Varieties of Cherries section of your website you list: Satin, Sylvia, Lapins, Sweetheart, Staccato, Sovereign and Sentennial. The photos you show of them all look the same to me, so I’m glad you can tell the difference between them. I’m a little concerned though about the Lapins. How come that’s the only variety of cherry that doesn’t begin with an “S”? For that matter, why do all the others start with an “S”? Who’s in charge of naming cherries and is their name something like Sam or Sophia?

Cherryo!

The General Sales Manager responded with:

Good Morning

We did not receive an earlier email from you — we always reply very quickly to emails from all customers when we are not in cherry season. Our season runs from the middle of July to early September.

Cherries are graded into three categories: No 1 which is the highest grade, No 2 which is rejected from the number 1 grade due to minor defects such as wind rubs, missing stems etc, and culls which are deemed not suitable for consumption due to major defects.

It is concerning that the bag you purchased had mold on the fruit. If the cherries are stored at all once they are shipped mold can develop on the fruit. Similar to how mold will develop on bread, cheese, strawberries etc. if not consumed/sold at the appropriate time. Can you please advise where you purchased your cherries and approximately the date?

Dr. Lapin was a pioneer in the development of the BC cherry program which is why the Lapin variety is named after him. The Summerland Breeding Program in Canada controls the naming process for all new varieties. All new varieties begin as a numbered variety and when sufficient testing is done to determine suitability the variety is then named by a panel. For example, the two newest cherries, released in 2006 and called Sovereign in honour of Queen Elizabeth’s 80th birthday. Not all varieties begin with “S”. For example there are Van, Crystallina, Regina, Lambert etc.

Thank you for your interest in our premium cherries.

Final Thoughts: This service experience almost went nowhere. All because of an email that went astray. Or as they say in Canada, “The email went astray, eh?” However, every issue involving cherries has to stem from somewhere. One time, the stem could be traced to a woman’s mouth where it was being tied into a knot with her tongue. But that’s a whole other story which best remains private. This time, it stemmed from Jealous Fruits, so there was nothing to lose by giving them the benefit of the doubt and sending a second email.

So like cherries on a slot machine, persistence pays off. Otherwise, I would have missed out on an outstanding, informative response that also showed sincere concern about a product being sold with a little mold. I wrote the GM back to thank her for all the interesting info and provided details regarding where and when the cherries were purchased. She replied back and asked if I’d like to be put on their email list to be kept up to date on Jealous Fruits cherries throughout the year. The GM also added, “—when we ship the next year I will let you know and will include a complimentary sample box for you.” Finally, she invited me to contact her in early August so she could let me know when the market I shop at will be buying. In cherry lingo, this proactive approach to pleasing customers is known as Bing! Bing! Bing!

Here’s where you can learn more about Jealous Fruits. Finally, remember that customer service departments are a lot like cherries. Sometimes they make you feel like the pits. Sometimes they overlook or don’t receive an inquiry, which ends up collecting mold somewhere. And sometimes they make you feel like life really is a bowl of cherries. You just never know unless you Write The Company.

Fans of companies that needed to be contacted more than once before responding will also enjoy:
Pumping Shell for Answers
Eyeing a Better Life
Distilling Details about Jack Daniel’s

There was a time when cooking frozen waffles was as simple as heating them up. But times change, even waffle times, which is why I wrote Van’s for a whittle help…

Dear Waffle Makers:

I’m confused about how to cook Van’s frozen Lite Waffles. Maybe it’s because I’m not Belgian. Then again, I’m not even sure if your waffles are Belgian either. Are they? Or are they just Vernon Waffles because that’s the city in California where you make them?

The Oven or Toaster Oven Cooking Directions say to cook for at least 10 minutes after preheating the oven to 400°F. The Toaster Cooking Directions say to toast the waffles on medium for at least 2 minutes. Isn’t heat heat? Why do the waffles take at least 10 minutes to cook in the oven or toaster oven versus at least 2 minutes in just a toaster? When I cook them for more than 2 minutes in my toaster oven they look like they were used as a scouring pad to clean tires.

The scary part is there’s a warning above the cooking directions that states: PRODUCT MUST BE COOKED BEFORE EATING. COOK THOROUGHLY. What could happen if they aren’t thoroughly cooked? Will it make you double-over to the point you’ll just be waffling around on the floor with stomach cramps?

Please provide factual Van’s Waffles cooking information without any of the corporate syrup.

Van’s Customer Service responded with:

Thank you so much for taking the time to write us. Please follow the directions on the package. We appreciate all the feedback and suggestions and we will share them with our team.

Very best, The Team at Van’s  www.vansfoods.com

Final Thoughts: Come on Team, follow the directions on the package? If it were that simple why would I have requested clarification for the directions ON the package? At 10 or even 8 minutes in my toaster oven Van’s Lite Waffles aren’t looking very Lite anymore. They’re sporting first-degree burns. Waffles are much tastier with jam or peanut butter spread on them than Aloe Vera gel or Neosporin.

The Oven or Toaster Oven cooking directions not only say to cook for at least 10 minutes, they go on to advise: “If waffle is not golden brown after 10 minutes, cook for additional time.” Then it  states: “While individual oven temperatures & times may vary, waffles must be cooked for at least 10 minutes.” So, if a fan of Van’s isn’t cooking the waffles at least 10 minutes in a toaster oven, and doesn’t own a toaster to see whether cooking them for at least 2 minutes works better—all while worrying about whether they’re thoroughly cooked—there’s nothing left to do other than waffle around wondering what to do.

Getting a waffle iron is one solution. However, the waffles would probably end up all creased since I’ve never been able to successfully iron anything that isn’t permanent press. Plus, I’m trying to cut down on starch. On a positive note, Van’s frozen waffles are very convenient if you don’t have time to make waffles from scratch even though cooking them often leaves me scratching something.

Here’s where you can spend tons of time getting to know Van’s Waffles. The website is room temperature and doesn’t appear to freeze up. Finally, keep in mind that waffles aren’t the only things battered. Sometimes consumers are too. Therefore, if any product ever gives you a difficult time, it may or may not be a waste of time to Write The Company.

Fans of frozen foods will also enjoy…
The Oatmeal Pucks Stops Here
A Different Breed of Bread

Are Artificial Growth Hormones used to increase milk production safe for cows and humans? Depending on whom you ask, some say yes, some say no and some just say moo. I asked Garelick Farms, a Dean Foods brand, what they say…

Dear Milk Mavens:

Since Garelick Farms has been bringing farm-fresh milk to families since 1931 you must know a lot about milk. I’m a city boy so all I know about farms is that I wouldn’t be able to survive more than a day or two on one.

I see that Garelick Farms milk contains No Artificial Growth Hormones such as rBST. In my opinion, just the fact that rBST stands for Recombinant Bovine Somatotropin is good enough reason to stay away from it. Why was rBST, the synthetic version of bST, which many dairy farmers inject into adult cows as a supplement to increase the production of milk even approved by the FDA in the first place?

I know how a woman’s emotions get out of balance when her hormones rage, and those are natural hormones, so I can’t imagine what it would be like if a herd of cows were on Artificial Growth Hormones that started to rage and someone drank milk from them. What could happen to a person if they did?

Speaking of natural hormones, I understand that bST is a naturally occurring growth hormone in cows and that small amounts of it are present in all milk. Is that good or bad? I’m wondering because while many milk producers are avoiding artificial growth hormones, I don’t see many advertising that their milk “Contains Yummy Natural Growth Hormones.”

What the heck is the most important thing for milk drinking humans to know about all these cow hormones?

A Consumer Response Representative responded with:

Thank you for your recent e-mail to Garelick Farms®. We appreciate your interest in our products.

All cows produce the BST hormone (Bovine Somatotropin) naturally. In order to increase milk production, some dairy producers provide their cows with supplementary rBST. This supplementary, synthetic BST is one of the most thoroughly tested and researched products in history.

Research has demonstrated that milk from rBST-treated cows is no different than milk from untreated cows. Because of these findings, numerous distinguished government, professional, and health organizations support the use of rBST (including the FDA, American Medical Association, and the National Institutes of Health).

At Dean Foods, we believe that our dairy producers have the right to produce safe, high-quality milk using any approved and available technology. Dairy products are some of the most highly regulated and monitored foods in America. Be assured that every effort is taken to ensure that the milk you drink and the dairy products you eat are safe and wholesome.

If you have any other questions or concerns, remember that we are just a phone call or an e-mail away.

Final Thoughts: My inquiry focused on Garelick Farms milk products that promote No Artificial Growth Hormones. Yet interestingly, this response seems to defend rBST by referencing how thoroughly tested and researched it has been. So is this a natural response, or was it artificially produced to cover any inquiry mentioning bST or rBST?

How Hormoneologists can even come close to knowing what cows are feeling and how it affects their milk is mind-boggling. Experts have enough trouble understanding how to control hormones in humans. Many individuals are driven crazy by hormones and need therapy. Cows can also go insane, but few hormone therapists are willing to take on a mad cow because of insurance reimbursement issues, plus they leave the waiting area a mess. Out of control hormones are blamed for any teenager who’s either rebellious or a horndog. If a woman is depressed, unstable or unable to stop growing a mustache, chances are she’ll be diagnosed with a hormone imbalance. And for men suffering from sexual malfunctions, it’s hard for them to make a hormone even in a brothel.

So who should you believe regarding the safety of treating cows with Artificial Growth Hormones? Here are a few different perspectives…

> Global Dairy Innovation – Myth-Busting: The Facts Versus the Myths Regarding rbST
> Genetically Engineered Food News – List Of rBGH Dangers That Could Affect Your Health
> FDA – Bovine Somatotropin (BST)
> Cancer Prevention Coalition – Milk: America’s Health Problem
> Consume This First – Is rBGH safe?

Learn more about Garelick Farms and review their FAQ’s regarding Artificial Growth Hormones. However, if anything that a manufacturer is or isn’t doing sends your hormones into a rage and you want answers, after you settle down, Write The Company.

Fans of milk or hormones will also enjoy:
Milk vs. Soymilk: Moo or Boo?
PET Milk Mystery
Jennie-O Talks Turkey

Rosetta Stone is the leading language-learning software in the world. To see how good the linguists behind it really are, I emailed them in a foreign language that was even foreign to me. That’s because I made it up…

<Subject Line>: Learninguez de la Sprechen

Ola Ms. Rosetta Stone:

Buena sa dez, allo gusta, allo geesta, allo gasta, de la Lucha libre en Julio Englaise.

Eh Rosetta don que un DVD translationality du purchaserio por qué moi?

Mucho appreciado fromma mon entrada.

Support at Rosetta Stone responded with:

Thank you for your inquiry <My FirstName>.

Please send your address and we will be happy to send out a demonstration disc to you.

I responded to their response with:

Ola Rosetta~

Maily moi demon stration discotech tu vu…………

Tanks,
“Me”
<Mailing Address>

Final Thoughts: It was very exciting to receive Rosetta Stone’s response. Someone there apparently understood what I wrote, which is terrific because I didn’t. I couldn’t wait to see what language the demonstration disc they offered to send would be.

Unfortunately, after replying back with contact information something got lost in the translation. Whoever received the second email must not have been fluent in my non-native tongue because I never got the disc.

Learning a second language can be fun. I actually practice mine on wrong numbers and telemarketers. But based on this experience with Rosetta Stone, perhaps the language is best suited for phones rather than emails, even though one of its best advantages is that spell check is never required. I wonder if Rosetta Stone might be interested in marketing a telephone language called Phone-etics.

If you’d like to learn Phone-etics, I’m available for tutoring sessions. However, if you’re interested in learning a language lots of other people already speak or at least understand, talk to Rosetta Stone. Finally, when you communicate with a service provider or manufacturer, make sure you’re being clear with what you’re trying to say if you Write The Company.

Fans of language will also enjoy:
A Word with Pearson
In the Words of Merriam-Webster
Defining Homos and Heteros
Fiskars Makes the Cut
Differentiating with Merriam-Webster

Either a business is open or it’s closed. But what if it’s open when it should have been closed? After reading a news report involving a Wells Fargo Bank, I contacted them to get their account of whether one of their branches was open when it shouldn’t have been…

Dear Wells Fargo Bankers:

I just read about a Wells Fargo Bank in the Sacramento community of Natomas that closed for business on Saturday. The only unusual thing about that is someone forgot to lock the place up before they left. Apparently, the bank was left unlocked for 48 hours until a customer called police. While I’m all for the honor system, I think that might be carrying it a bit too far. In any case, do you happen to know if that’s the longest length of time on record for leaving a bank unlocked and unattended? Or, has another bank stayed open longer with no one in it?

I’m not sure how someone could forget to lock a bank. I’d be so nervous that I’d probably keep breaking the lock on a regular basis from checking it a thousand times to verify I actually did lock it. Then I’d have to go back in to make sure all the coffee makers were turned off even though I would have checked them about a hundred times, too. Then I’d check the front locks a thousand times again. Even after I left, I’d probably end up going back and sleeping in the lobby until the bank opened the next morning. That’s why I hardly leave home anymore. It takes too long to make sure everything is turned off and locked up. Thank God for online banking!

Based on my own insecurities, I really can’t understand how someone could leave the bank without all security in force. Even if they forgot to lock the doors, don’t they have to turn on an alarm? How do you explain how someone can leave the bank unlocked? Did they at least remember to lock the vault? What is Wells Fargo officially telling the public about this incident?

All is not Wells as Fargo as I can see.

A Wells Fargo Representative responded with:

Thank you for your letter regarding your concern about our West Natomas location. Wells Fargo takes all customer concerns seriously and researches each claim on a case by case basis.

We can confirm that the lock on the front door did not latch properly. It was not due to forgetfulness. Please know that our internal systems let us know of the situation and we immediately secured the location, it was not due to a customer call to the police department.

After careful review of our security footage we can confirm that the branch was unharmed and that none of our customers were impacted.

Thank you again for bringing this matter to our attention. We appreciate your business. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Final Thoughts: While this strong response indicates Wells Fargo took fast action and was on top of the situation, it does differ from the news story told by CBS Sacramento—Natomas Wells Fargo Bank Left Unlocked For 48 Hours. Either way, it’s a relief to know that Wells Fargo hasn’t initiated a new open door policy. Those policies never seem to be as effective after hours, especially at a bank.

CBS Sacramento reported that the bank was left unlocked for 48 hours until a customer noticed it and called police. Wells Fargo said it was not due to a customer call to the police department. That’s why you can’t always take everything someone says to the bank. You also can’t always bank on what you read to be accurate. Sometimes, it’s even unclear whether you can bank on a bank being closed even when it’s not open.

It’s important that a bank offers access to your money when you need it. It’s also critical they make sure no one else has access to your money when they need it. Unfortunately, now that I’m aware of this incident, if I’m driving by my bank’s branch around 2:00 or 3:00 am, I’ll definitely be tempted to give the door a jiggle and make sure everything’s shut tight.

If you’re interested in a bank that’s been around since 1852, see what they are up to these days at Wells Fargo. However, if a service provider you’re doing business with is in the news, it pays to get their side of the story and Write The Company.

Fans of financial institutions will also enjoy:
Identity Theft: Who’s in Your Wallet?
Getting a Visa from Visa
NYSE Reply Clear as a Bell

The City Council of Peekskill, New York unanimously voted recently to adopt a no clapping rule at meetings. I contacted the City to conduct my own hands-on investigation as to why…

Dear Honorable City Clerk of Peekskill, New York:

Under the Freedom of Information Act, can you please respond non-confidentially to the following information that involves freedom pertaining to the people and public population of Peekskill?

A recent news article caught my attention: “Peekskill Residents Livid About No Clapping Rule At City Council Meetings.” From what I understand, many of these residents are now up in arms over this rule, which is good for the City Council in a way because when peoples’ arms are in that position it makes clapping fairly difficult anyway.

Trying to cure the clap by banning it seems like a drastic measure. My guess is when a City Council takes this kind of action it’s usually because no one is clapping for them. Am I mistaken? When the Council announced this rule, did anyone clap?

In any case, rules in society are very critical because without them society rules and no government body seems to want that these days. So my questions are not about the rule, but the thinking behind the rule. Did the City Council ever try throwing out or arresting unruly clappers? Have you provided the Council Chairperson with a gavel? Residents don’t always respect a city representative’s call for silence, but there’s something about a gavel that puts people in their place. Finally, when clapping gets out of control, has the Council considered clapping all at once in a unified show of hands that sends a powerful message that you feel so strongly about your views that you refuse to be out-clapped?

My concern is that implementing a ban on clapping will lead to a claptrap. What say you?

A Concerned Citizen Who Enjoys Clapping when Appropriate,
“Me”

The Citizen Support Center responded with:

In response to your message, I assume you’ve seen the legislation, are you interested in getting a copy of it?

Thank you.

In response to their response, I responded with:

Dear Peekskill Support:

I have not read the legislation, only newspaper articles. If you feel most people can understand the legislation without the aid of an attorney or Peekskill politician, please forward it. If it’s posted online and there’s a link, even better. If you can sum up what it says in 50 words or less, even better.

Thank you for keeping me up to date on your side of the story!

Final Thoughts: It took 3 weeks for the Citizen Support Center to respond to my initial inquiry. If they assumed I’ve seen the legislation, why ask if I’d like a copy? Then, when asked to forward it or sum it up, there was no follow through so I never received it. I’m certainly not clapping for prompt and efficient support service.

I’ve never been to a Peekskill City Council meeting. For that matter, I’ve never been to Peekskill. However, I have been clapping since I was a baby and it’s a very hard habit to break. I’m not sure what else is prohibited at Council meetings there, but it would be odd if clapping were restricted and no legislation was passed to silence even more disruptive sounds such as booing, Bronx Cheers, portable xylophones or loogie hocking.

On one hand, and I use the word ‘hand’ loosely, according to a Statement from Peekskill Mayor Mary Foster this action was necessary. Mayor Foster says, “The rules of decorum we have established prohibit clapping as an attempt to silence and intimidate speakers at the podium. Nothing more.” To critics who suggest these rules ban clapping, the Mayor believes that is simply not the case, and explains why in her statement. Then again, on the other hand, not everyone in Peekskill is applauding this decision: Peekskill Residents Livid About No Clapping Rule At City Council Meetings and City in New York Restricts Clapping at Council Meetings.

Whether you agree or disagree that the clap is out of control in Peekskill, or just want to learn more about the place, visit the City of Peekskill, New York. However, if your rights are affected in any way by a person, place or thing, contact a support representative at that organization or Write The Company.

Update: Peekskill Not Alone in Public Comment Regulations

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Before understanding what’s involved for someone to lose weight, sometimes you need to gain knowledge from a company with answers that carry weight. That’s why I wrote Weight Watchers International…

Dear Wizards of Watching Weight:

I’ve got a sensitive weight issue I’d appreciate your help figuring out how to handle. What makes it challenging to assess is it isn’t my weight that’s the issue.

If a woman is about 5 foot 5, 163.5 pounds, with a gluteus maximus that accounts for about 40 pounds of that, how many weeks of Weight Watchers gift certificates do you estimate it will take to rectify this issue? For that matter, can you please explain what causes a woman’s weight to shift to the rear if she isn’t spending most of her day positioned at an angle?

When women receive a Weight Watchers gift certificate, do they usually appreciate it, or is there a chance they might turn violent? Is it best to send it anonymously?

Since I don’t have to watch my weight, I don’t mind watching the weight of others. Doesn’t that make me kind of a Weight Watcher as well?

Anxiously weighting to hear your advice!

A Customer Service Associate responded with:

Thank you for contacting us with your inquiry. You have presented a very good question. While our Leaders and Member Service Representatives have had extensive training in various aspects of our PointsPlus™ Plan, Weight Watchers® is not a medical organization and will not be able to answer your specific inquiry through this e-mail.

Weight Watchers has partnered with credentialed scientists possessing a proficiency in weight management to develop our PointsPlus™ Plan. In addition, we regularly consult with renowned experts to ensure that our weight-loss plan reflects the latest scientific thinking.

Please call: 1/800-651-6000 and a Member Services Representative will be happy to assist you.

Final Thoughts: Since Weight Watchers isn’t a medical organization, it’s understandable why the Representative didn’t want to speculate on ifs, ands, or butts. Then again, I don’t feel comfortable calling Member Services to discuss someone else’s rear, so that’s where this inquiry turned into a dead end.

No mention was made as to how the PointsPlus™ Plan might help put posteriors into proportion. Nor was a recommendation offered regarding approximately how many gift certificates would cover a multi-pound tushy transformation. But rather than leave you hanging if you’re also seeking answers, further research led to these Weight Watchers articles: Get a Better Butt, 10 Exercises for the Perfect Posterior and The Best Jeans for Your Butt.

If you’ve been watching your—or someone else’s—weight, see what kind of support is being offered by Weight Watchers. However, if you have questions about how any service or product can help reduce the size of a problem, be sure to weigh in and Write The Company.

Fans of butts will also enjoy:
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Preparing for Preparation H

Dear Fans, Friends & Followers,

This concludes another year of seeing which companies do and do not send out customer service responses written by zombies. The replies varied—from clever and captivating to dreadful and dead on arrival.

2011 started off on a fun note with the launch of Write The Company Training Workshops. A lot can be learned by analyzing how companies respond to customer comments, complaints and concerns. Sharing insights based on years of corresponding with companies made for a highly educational, engaging and entertaining interactive program that helped customer service representatives strengthen responses to customers and guests.

The year ended with the addition of a Write The Company Channel on YouTube and Tumblr microblog featuring animated videos. Tune in there, too!

In between, some customer service departments replied with a sense of humor. Others played it straight. Plenty more just deserved to be laughed at. Here’s a recap of some popular posts…

This company had the most BAWLS. You don’t have to play with dolls to enjoy these inquiries into Barbie getting tattoos, Lovable Dolls for adults and Toys”R”Us trash talking Play & Giggle Triplet Dolls. Empire Kosher Poultry shared fascinating facts about chicken while Jennie-O talked turkey about hormones. In the news, Apple & Eve reacted to Dr. Oz’s arsenic in apple juice claims, Topeka City Council discussed stopping the prosecution of domestic violence cases and Zephyrhills defended their D grade in a bottled water report. Target unleashed details about the Target Dog. Chobani shared what’s Greek about yogurt. The UK’s Food Standards Agency assisted with serving squirrel. Merriam-Webster defined Homos and Heteros. Hershey got to the bottom of the “laxative effect”. US-Mattress and PenisAdvantage provided hope. Monistat had this to say about allowing women with yeast infections to attend Passover gatherings. TABASCO sent a hot reply. There was a 3-Part series with M&Ms. This reaction from Hoover sucked us in. Jack Daniel’s provided a behind the scenes taste and Kraft Foods tried finding a Tang flavor called Poon for me. It was Milk vs. Soymilk in this letter to Pearl Soymilk focused on “mammalian lacteal secretions” and Pacific Foods explained the Hemp part of Hemp Milk. Finally, we learned how Mentos helped fuel a car. Visit the archives to see what else you’ve missed!

It’s difficult to express in words, and even harder in pictures or wood carvings, to tell you how much I appreciate your support here and on Twitter and Facebook. Many thanks for joining me for all this customer service correspondence craziness.

Wishing you a happy, healthy and humorous 2012!

Happy New Yearly yours,
“Write”

Fans of year end reviews will also enjoy:
Final Thoughts, 2010
Final Thoughts, 2009

When understanding the label on Sugar Free Crystal Light Lemonade didn’t come naturally, I took a stand and asked Kraft Foods to explain it…

Dear Crystal Light Source:

Can you please clarify the Crystal Light Lemonade package label? It says: “Natural Flavor with Other Natural Flavor.” Wouldn’t “Other Natural Flavor” also be considered “Natural Flavor”? What exactly is the difference between an “Other Natural Flavor” and a “Natural Flavor” that isn’t an “Other”?

Then, under ingredients it states: “Contains less than 2 percent of Natural Flavor.” Why even point out Natural Flavor and Other Natural Flavor as a big selling point when there’s less than a measly 2 percent of them? Is it because 98 percent Non-Natural Flavor and Non-Other Natural Flavor doesn’t sound as thirst quenching?

It’s one thing to be Crystal Light. But I hope your explanation will be crystal clear.

Naturally yours,

“Me”

An Associate Director, Consumer Relations responded with:

Thank you for visiting http://www.kraftfoods.com/.

I wanted to get back to your question on Crystal Light Lemonade.

The phrase “Natural Flavor with Other Natural Flavors” adjacent to a flavor name on the front panel means that the product contains both natural flavor from the named ingredient and other natural flavors not from the named ingredient. An example would be a natural spearmint flavor that also contains natural peppermint oil to enhance the spearmint flavor. In this example, “Natural Flavor with Other Natural Flavors” would be required by FDA regulation to appear adjacent to the word “spearmint” wherever it appears on the label outside of the ingredient statement. Within the ingredient statement, these flavors would be declared simply as “natural flavor”.

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Final Thoughts: Even with Kraft’s clarification, “Natural Flavor with Other Natural Flavors” still comes off sounding unnatural. The phrase doesn’t even work beyond flavors! You never hear anyone say, “Natural Gas with Other Natural Gas” or “Natural Breasts with Other Natural Breasts” or “Natural Born Killers with Other Natural Born Killers.”

On the other hand, “Natural Lemon Flavor with Other Natural Flavors” would make perfect sense. How can you make lemonade out of lemons if no one knows you have lemons? So this really isn’t a natural problem, it’s an English problem. Why not go with “Contains Natural Flavors” and leave it at that? Going back to Kraft’s explanation, even “Natural Spearmint Flavor with Natural Peppermint Oil” is clearer, although it might be somewhat confusing on a lemonade label.

If you’re thirsting for more information about this beverage, here is where you can learn more about Crystal Light Lemonade. However, if a manufacturer’s label fails to satisfy your natural curiosity, put the squeeze on them and Write The Company.

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